Fighting due to financial challenges is all too common in many marriages! Fighting or disagreements about money is normal in most marriages or relationships.  However, excessive fighting about money can lead to tremendous strain, tension, abuse and/or divorce. It’s not just about a lack of finances, but the lack of compatibility in the money arena.

We all know the old adage that “opposites attract”, but when two people have opposite and opposing views about money, divorce can occur.  Imagine for a moment a couple where one spends money all the time, and the other wants to save for the future. Or one person is very generous, and the other is a miser. One has no problem using credit cards, and the other believes in saving up for an item.  These differing ideas can cause tremendous problems in a relationship if there is no amicable solution.

Unfortunately, many couples do not discuss financial matters thoroughly before getting married, or they get married and think they can change the other person, or that LOVE will take care of it. Phooey! Love is the main and sustaining reason, and I believe people should be in-love, devoted and committed to each upon entering into a covenant agreement. However, money matters should be discussed prior to the marriage with complete transparency, so each person knows exactly each other’s spending habits and beliefs about financial management. Here are a few tips to discuss before marriage:

• Discuss if both partners are going to work. If debt is involved decide how you are going to pay off debts.  Ideally, live on one income (mortgage/rent, utilities, food, gas, clothing) and use the other income for savings, investments, vacations, education, etc.
• Make sure you have emergency cash funds. Dave Ramsey suggest $1,000.00 cash for emergencies. I think this is a good start, but ideally you should have 3 – 6 months living expenses available for emergencies, and quickly replace any used funds. There should be no limit to emergency funds.
• Decide on how you are going to give, save and invest your money as a couple. Seek counsel from a reputable financial company, pastor, rabbi or counselor to help you make decisions and plan for short and long range financial goals.
• Create a reasonable monthly budget which includes spending money for each partner and leisure.
• Decide who is going to pay the bills each month or will paying the bills be a joint effort? I suggest reviewing your budget/finances each month together and celebrate financial victories, like paying off a bill, or saving enough money for a vacation. If a financial goal is not met, calmly discuss what went wrong and how to make improvements. Be accountable to each other and your goals.
• Attack the money issue and not each other. Remember, if an argument should develop, tackle the problem of excessive spending, high debt, etc., and try not to belittle and curse each other.
• Seek counseling if you are unable to settle your money woes together. Often times the extremely generous or conversely, the miser has issues related to childhood in regards to money. A trained professional might help you discover any root issues that are hindering successful financial goals.  Discovery is vital in order to live a balanced life.

I believe if two people truly love each other, any money woes can be handled through commitment, understanding, communication, hard work and sacrifice.  After all, it is just money, and though a major part of one’s commitment, it is just a part!  Imagine yourself without your spouse. Is that the choice you would prefer, because you cannot resolve your financial issues?  Marital issues over finances can be resolved and you can live a happy life together, if you are willing to work together as ONE to resolve financial woes. The choice is always ours. 

Just Musing,

Dr. Dee