I do not know anyone who gets in a relationship thinking, I do not want this relationship or marriage to work out. Most people I know marry with the hopes of until death does us part. However, prior to getting married, there are always signs, red flags or blatant halt posts many of us fail to see or choose to ignore. Consequently, when undesirable situations arise, often times we do things to enable or worsen our relationship, even blaming the other person, instead of doing what is required to enhance the relationship or choosing to exit.
After being in more failed relationships than I choose to reveal, I am an expert on what not to do. There are so many experts who base their advice on their practical application, work experience or textbook knowledge. Yet, I know what does not work and here are just five of many things, which DO NOT contribute to a healthy, happy and hearty relationship.
You Fail To Speak Your Mind
Relationships flourish when couples freely and honestly express themselves without fear of repercussions. Therefore, no topic is off-limits and each person feels heard and honored even if there is respectful disagreement, i.e., agree to disagree. Consistent, respectful, honest communication is vital to building a lasting, healthy, happy and hearty relationship. Each person must feel safe to express their thoughts. Speak your mind with respect and listen with respect.
You Lack Personal Space
Being in-love is glorious to say the least, and spending time with you mate is second to none, especially when things are going well. Yet, taking time to pursue your own interests within the confines of a faithful relationship, keeps your relationship fresh, and gives you an opportunity to grow as a person, while growing as a couple. Time apart is vital for reflection, prayer, mediation, exercise, reading, shopping, etc. Personal space is not a weapon to segregate yourself from your partner or to punish them. Personal space is a gift to yourself and your mate when used as a time of growth. Personal space is vital.
You Fight Dirty
Two people decide to marry. Disagreements are inevitable and normal. However, couples in a healthy, happy, and hearty relationship fight about the issue to reach an amicable solution, as oppose to attacking each other. Attacking each other as if I need to explain, means absolutely no violence, name-calling, put downs or even bringing up a pass incident to use as a weapon against your mate. You must agree to disagree, and you must respect each other’s right to disagree. If you find yourself needing to apologize, apologize and do it quickly. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. Fighting Dirty is not an option.
You Expect Your Partner To Change
Keep your eyes wide open when you are dating and see the reality of the individual standing on the opposite side of your relationship. You must reconcile within yourself that those things you hate or dislike about the other person are ALSO part of what you adore about that person. Please, do not base a marriage on the hope that the other person will change or that some circumstance will change them. You must come to the realization that the person is perfect for you, (or not) but not a perfect person. Therefore, accept each other’s great, good, and not-so-good, and value them for who that are right now. You can only change you.
You Do Not Enjoy Each Other
Healthy, happy and hearty relationships are full of laughter and fun. Relationships filled with laughter, humor, fun, doing things together in large and simple ways is fundamental for the well-being of one’s relationship. Obviously, happiness and giddiness will not be the menu every moment of everyday. However, the converse is true as well. Relationships full of strife, tension, and rigidity are damaging indications, which suggest you are with a negative person. Take my counsel… flee, run and do not look back, because only continual misery will find you in the mist of relationship possibly never meant to be. Find joy in each other.
Most importantly, if you truly love each other, you will do what is required to find health, happiness and maintain a hearty relationship. All relationships equipped in true love, faithfulness, honesty and transparency are destined until death does them part. Still, being mindful, watchful and prayerful prior to a commitment will help put couples on a positive trajectory considering the few points mentioned. The choice is always ours, choose wisely. Feast on these points and look for more ways that do not make for a health, happy and hearty relationship.
Doc’s Musings,
Dr. Dee