Recently, I watched one of my favorite movies, The Holiday. This movie is about two women from different parts of the world whose relationships have gone awry. In an effort to get over their lovers, they switched houses and their new journeys began.  Iris, one of the main characters was in love and involved with her co-worker for over three years.  Though their relationship had endured many twists and turns, she never expected the surprised announcement at the company Christmas Party.  Her beau got engaged to another woman on staff!  Talk about a shocker!  Needless to say, Iris was devastated. Her heartbreak led her to accept the offer of Amanda (the other main character) whose live-in male friend had an affair with his co-worker. Both women, victims of cheating male counter-parts embarked on a healing journey.

Iris finally realized during her new adventure that her addictive love towards her co-worker was pathetic, tragic and unproductive.  Her beau (Jasper) refused to love her and he used Iris for his sexual self-interest and his career advancements.  Iris blinded by her love for Jasper failed to see the role she played in her own heartbreak, until after her holiday quest. In the end, she realized through her new friendships and self-discovery that she had been the best friend with benefits, instead of the leading lady.

This movie reminded me of myself and the mistakes I have made in relationships.  Often times I believe we (many of us) see what we want to see, and fail to see or accept the reality of toxic relationships.  Like Iris, I have been in-love with a man who failed or would not love me back. And, rather than move on, somehow like Iris, I justified hanging in there to my own detriment.  My experiences have taught me valuable lessons I can now pass on to anyone with an ear to hear.

The most powerful line in the movie suggested that she was playing the role of a best friend when really she was or should have been the leading lady.  This rang so true, because I believe sometimes, we as women think we are the leading lady in the romance of our life, when in fact the opposite is true.  In your beau’s mind you may just be a friend, at the most, a best friend, but simply a friend.  If a man only wants sex in private, but fails to recognize you in public, awake O’sleeper and flee! (Read: Steve Harvey’s book – Think like a Man and Act like a Lady).  Wow, so how can we move from a pathetic relationship?

First and foremost, it is always about loving self, if you do not believe in the Creator.  Otherwise, after your committed love for Him, then we are to love ourselves.  How can we love ourselves and then another, if we do not love G-d and understand respect and honor?  Knowing one’s desires based on spiritual principles, hopes, desires, and goals are the beginning steps to knowing your worth and then conducting yourself accordingly.  To compromise yourself or settle for something that is contrary to your basic core is a disaster waiting to happen.  Love yourself enough to be willing to let go of a toxic relationship. Love yourself enough to know you are worthy to have a relationship with someone who will love, honor and respect you back.

So often, I hear women say there are no good men out there, or no one will love them, or all the good men are gone, or I’m not pretty, smart, skinny, whatever enough. Stop it! You are all you believe you are, and if you are thinking negatively about yourself you will draw a negative no-good man in your life.  Many men treat women exactly the way they allow them to be treated. Many people in general treat people in ways that we allow.  If we want respect, we have to give and demand respect back.  If we want to be the leading lady in our beau’s life, we have to be the leading lady and not accept anything less.

We need and desire friends – at least I do! I enjoy the company of both men and women friends.  Life without people I can enjoy and confide in outside of my family would be miserable.  However, being the first and leading lady in a relationship which could lead to a commitment/marriage is a different matter, and should not be confused by a best friend with benefits affair.

Proverbs 31:10-31 spells out the ideal leading lady. The woman in this biblical verse is far beyond that of pearls and is extremely capable, intelligent and industrious.  She understands her self-worth, and she is honored and adored by her husband and children.  She manages her business affairs, her household and enjoys her days.  She demands respect, because she exemplifies a woman of character, love and spirituality.  She is a super woman!

So what is my point? We ought not to underestimate ourselves and give away our dignity and love to a man who is unworthy of our love, because he refuses to love us back.  We should be mindful of being a wife to a man who only wants to gratify his selfish needs.  Instead, expect the man of your dreams to honor you as the leading lady and treat you as such.  Expect love and commitment and do not settle for someone who has baggage from his previous relationship(s) or other life challenges.  Do what is required to free yourself from a toxic relationship or toxic thinking.

What is toxic thinking? Toxic thinking is steeped in negative affirmations about yourself, your situation, life in general, and the belief that nothing good will EVER happen to you.  Therefore, you feel compelled to take whatever you can get.  Toxic thinking and behavior allows us to blindly go along with the flow of a bad relationship until something shocking wakes us from our slumber.  Toxic thinking like so many others things is a choice.  Choose to believe the best for yourself and have faith that good things and/or a great relationship is for you.  Great relationships happen in real life too, not just the movies.

Great relationships begin with being what your desire. Work on loving and respecting yourself as the awesome woman G-d has designed, and then expect the highest form of good in your life. Holiday Discovery is letting go of the negative and embracing the positive experiences of the present. So, what will you choose and what actions will you take? 

Just Musing!

Dr. Dee

Interested in learning more about ridding yourself of toxic thinking? Let me recommend, Dr. Caroline’s Leaf book: Switch On Your Brain. I would love to hear your thoughts on this book.