Do you emasculate your man?
Men are no good! They can’t be trusted! Men just want sex! They’re animals! Men are worthless! You don’t need a man to take care of you! The hell with them!
Have you heard such comments from friends, family, and/or co-workers? Have you paid attention to how men are ridiculed in the media, either blatantly or subtlety? I would venture to say we have all heard the aforementioned comments and many more; and we have been entertained by such foolish and degrading comments. Now, before you get tangled in a tizzy, the focus on this blog is about our men; husbands, brothers, sons and/or friends. So don’t go writing me about the injustices inflicted on women. I know all too well about the mistreatment of women, been there and have my graduate degrees with honors on being mistreated!
However, as a mother and grandmother of men, I want to know, why as a society are we hell-bent on demonizing our men! Think about it. The depth of the question is beyond the scope of this blog, but the evidence is all around us via media, within our work places, churches, synagogues and more. Feel free to email me with your thoughts.
We have moved so far away from the principles of G-d’s Torah (His teachings, laws) especially in our marriages that many women emasculate or belittle their husbands even sons, either intentionally or unintentionally on a regular basis. Sometimes, emasculation occurs during the dating process leaving some women to wonder, why has the man disappeared! So, if you do not espouse having a relationship with the Creator through His Son Yeshua, you might want to stop reading.
If you are still reading, marriage is G-d’s design between a biological male and a biological female; and within His design, He decided on the roles for each person…both equal in His sight and joint heirs in Yeshua, but different roles. Read your Bible. (Ephesians 5) However, regardless of one’s position within the marriage husband or wife, BOTH – (I am speaking to believers and followers of Yeshua) are required to love and respect each other, first submitted to G-d and then to each other. Yet, G-d told man to love His wife, because He knew men would struggle with the love part; and He told women to respect their husband and submit to His g-dly leadership, because He, G-d knew women would have difficulty respecting their man if He didn’t do or live up to their expectations.
Admit it! Many of us have extreme difficulty respecting our men/husbands, especially if they are inadequate in some way, including the bedroom. Thus as women, we can speak very harshly to our spouses in ways that wound them deeply, and in a manner which does not bring honor to G-d. G-d expects better from us and with the help of His breath, His Spirit, we can and should do better.
Some of us have been raised under an umbrella of criticism of men, because of negative female experiences. Others, joke about the “stupidity” of men, and are oblivious to how the toxicity of their words hurt men whether spouse, son, or friend. The media slams men due to the liberal notions prevalent in our society as well as undesirable actions of many men. Now, I get that every man who feels emasculated or small has not been verbally abused by his girlfriend, mother or wife…but that is not the point of this blog. I am again, speaking to women who claim to love and serve G-d; yet, WE have failed in honoring and respecting our men in some cases. And, though in the heat of the moment or in the “fun” of the moment it may seem justified; we are called to always show honor and respect to our men.
According to a recent article, a study was done in 2014 conducted by a neuropsychologist, Dr. David Lewis. This study demonstrated that men experienced more physiological changes in an emotional experiment than their female counterparts. This study according to the article in healthyway.com men feel emotions just as much as women, but are less willing to express these emotions openly due to societal expectations. Seriously, do we need a study to explain this to us? G-d’s word is clear on the vileness of the tongue and the necessity to love. (Ep. 4:29; Prov. 15:1; James 3:2-10) Any feeling human being is going to experience emotional currents good and harmful. The expression of such feelings or lack of expression may be different, but emotional feelings are part of being human. My point, contrary to our stance on how men may or may not feel, it is imperative as women of Yeshua that we treat our men with respect.
Listed below are some comments, we make intentionally or unintentionally, especially when we are totally and completely enraged with our spouse, fuming with resentment and/or full of self-righteousness. I confess, I have made derogatory remarks to the men I claimed to love. It wasn’t a pretty picture at best! I regret the disrespect I spewed in a belittling manner and I have suffered such grave loss because of my sins. Thank G-d for His forgiveness and learning from my mistakes.
Emasculating Actions/Comments:
- Calling him degrading names. In a loving relationship, there is no room for name calling. Men have feelings too, and to tell a man he has no courage, a loser, etc., because maybe he is not dealing with a situation per your methodology will cause him to feel insignificant as a man. Worst, hit him with derogatory sexual remarks…duck for cover! (No physical violence of course.) Words bring life or death to the listener. Harsh words are a breeding ground for the evil one to infect the relationship with bitterness, hatred anger, adultery, and death (divorce).
- Pointing out his failings. Like us women, men are well aware of their flaws and do not need us to point them out or attempt to change them. In a loving relationship, we have to “love” the things we hate about the person, because part of loving someone is loving the whole person. If something is really an issue, then take the concern to G-d in prayer, and ask Him first to deal with the matter; and then to help you speak in kindness if applicable. And, remember, ladies, we spend an excessive amount of time and billions of dollars per year working on own our flaws. Maybe, we should spend just as much effort working on our inner woman.
- Rescuing him in a conversation. This might happen in a conversation with others and you jump in, pushing him aside and begin to talk or argue for him. The fact that you intervened may cause him to believe you think he is unable to talk or defend his argument. Let him talk. He is a grown man and does not need a mother. If you are having difficulty keeping quiet, politely excuse yourself and take a moment to pray and adjust.
- Criticizing him to family/friends. Keep your mouth closed! Personal matters between a husband and wife ought to stay between the couple, bar needing some counselling for a serious matter. Otherwise, criticizing your spouse because he doesn’t put down the toilet seat or eats with his mouth open or whatever, only glorifies that which you hate and makes him look awful to others. The point…don’t badmouth your man! Like momma use to say, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all! Besides, many times when women badmouth their spouses, long after the couple has made up, others remember and view him less favorably.
- Humiliating him in public. Arguments are inevitable. Couples disagree. Keep it private. If one argues in public, and the man retorts too loudly, then he could be labeled an abuser or the cops called. If there is arguing in front of the family, dad, brothers or Big Mama, then the issue escalates; and again, others will view him negatively. And, besides ladies, think about your reputation as a follower of Yeshua?
None of us are perfect, but as women who believe in Yeshua, we are commanded to respect our spouses. (Ephesians 5:33) And, though there are many other ways to emasculate or belittle our men, we ought to make a concerted effort to honor and cherish them. When we fail to honor the men in our lives, we ought to ask for forgiveness, even if we have belittled our sons, brothers, or other men.
If you have always honored and respected your spouse and others, then you are blessed and very special. For those who struggle in this area, ask G-d to help you. He is always available to hear our prayers and help us to overcome those sins which easily beset us.
Just saying,
Dr. Dee
Note: Image was taken from www.duckgo/free images – no copyright infringement intended.
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Salute Happily Married
It is a gorgeous snowy day in Denver, Co as I sit by my fireplace and gaze out my window. I love living in Denver for the most part, and believe it has been an exceptional “lay-over” for me! Though today is a beautiful snowy day, and I am relaxing by my fireplace, I sit alone in my lovely townhouse surrounded by the emptiness of singlehood!
Now, I know, many of you claim contentment and exhilaration about your freedom as a single person; and some have resigned to a life of oneness due to hurt, choice or whatever. Some are satisfied with being single and cannot imagine sharing their lives with someone on an intimate level. Still, others given the “gift of celibacy” are quite comfortable, and others just do whatever pleases them. I get it! Yet, many of us long to have a mate, and be in a happy relationship as G-d intended.
G-d created marriage (between a biological male and a biological female) and for some (myself included) walking as a single person has its challenges. Thus my salute to the Happily Married! Happily married in that these couples are in-love and want to be together. Divorce for those happily married is never an option and only death will rip them apart.
I am familiar with very few happily married couples who have spent many years together. These few folks, actually two couples are still immensely loving and enjoying each other. As I sit here musing, these couples I know personally are positive examples of working through the hard stuff and relishing in the great stuff! Now, of course, there are many other examples I have read and heard about, but I have not encountered them on a personal level, nor can I speak on the validity of their happiness. However, as a close friend of the couples I know personally based on our conversations and spending time together, in my opinion they exemplify being happily married.
You may wonder, what has truly been the driving force in my friends’ marriages. The obvious answers… G-d, commitment, love, faith, hope and more. Yes, all these and more, especially the working of G-d in their individual and joined lives is paramount. However, these couples (my dear friends) realize that the aforementioned essentials of a happy marriage requires a daily willingness to love, work, die-to-self, serve each other and G-d. In other words, their efforts are consciously consistent keeping the needs of their partner in the forefront of their minds and hearts. These couples realize that marriage requires diligence and work, sacrifice and acceptance, and above all the reign of G-d in their lives.
Wow! How many of us what to do all that work even for the sake of love? Well, apparently, at least half want to labor/love in a marriage, and the other half does not as suggested by the current divorce rates. Nevertheless, to those, who have chosen to love each other even when it is hard and/or seems impossible, I salute you! May pray G-d continue to knit your 
hearts together in love!
In closing, to my friends who are happily married, I admire and love you very much for the loving example you have exhibited!
Just Musing!
Dr. Dee
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Married or not you should read this… 
“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.
On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day, I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. 
I stopped by the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The sales girl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed –dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband…. The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness, but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
Taken from: www.awesomequotes4u.com/2015/05/married-or-not-
Contact Dr. Dee Jackson @ drdeejackson@drdeejackson.com
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Hum…Divorce-Proof Marria
ges?
Initially, life after divorce is scary, lonely, hostile, frustrating, devastating, and so much more! From this author’s advantage point, death seems so much more reasonable and merciful! Many of us who have gone through divorce(s) are shattered at the thought of life once again as a single individual, especially when our estranged spouse is nearby or remarried! Those of us involved in ministry are particularly shrouded with shame, regret and wishes of I should have, could have! Yet, somehow, as time ticks by, the heart begins to mend, bleeding wounds dry, and an once devastated soul is soothed. Divorce, though horrible, and extremely life alternating is not the end of purposeful living or happiness.
It is so comforting to know that G-d[i] has so much mercy and forgives even when life throws us curves balls and attempts to destroy our souls along the way. Unlike man, G-d is much more forgiving and merciful. He sees our plights and failures, yet, He forgives us when forgiving ourselves seems impossible at best. Often times, we forget the magnificence of the G-d we serve, and we waddle in self-pity and regret, instead of pressing forward to newness, purpose and forgiveness!
Unfortunately, divorce is a norm in our society, which wreaks havoc on the couple, children and extended family members. Still, G-d is forgiving and provides additional chances when we place our lives in His hands. My dissertation is centered around covenant marriages and how they are ordained of G-d, because I too, have fallen prey to false lure of divorce. (If you are interested in a copy of my dissertation, email me for details.)
I am amazed at the failure rate of marriages – including mine’s – due to our lack of willingness to die to self and allow G-d to restore, heal, build and knit hearts together. Vows are taken lightly, (if it was even a vow in both parties’ mind); and then easily discarded, when things get hard. Thus promises are broken before G-d and to each other and our narcissism trumps our commitment and supposed love for the spouse.
However, many atheists and agnostics have a lower divorce rate than those who call themselves believers in G-d. Hum, why is this? Honestly, I don’t know. Perhaps they spend a longer time getting to know the person before they get married. Maybe they spend more time in a counselor’s office or reading self-help books. Or, perhaps, they realize they are it. In other words, since they do not believe in G-d or some higher power, they realize they have to do the work or the marriage will fail. If they do not believe in a higher power, then consequently, there is no one for them to pray too or a spiritual entity to depend on. Interesting thought.
Do we as believers take our marital relationship for granted, and just feel that G-d will fix our difficulties? Therefore, we don’t have to do any work to ensure the success of the relationship? Possibly. Opinions and circumstances will vary on this point. Regardless of opinions, the evidence is clear. Many have raced to the divorce court whether justified or not. And, irrespective of one’s spiritual orientation or world view, divorce hurts on so many levels even if one gets half of all the material things.
So, what can couples do to divorce-proof their marriages? Is there such a thing as a divorce-proof marriage? Who knows? There are no guarantees. But, there are many things, I believe will help to divorce-proof a marriage. Foremost, believe G-d and do what HE requires, regardless of how it feels! Obedience is not a feeling, but an act of our will. G-d has called believers to walk in their marriages as a ministry unto Him. How can we do this, unless we first walk with Him as His child/servant? How do we know what he requires? Read His book.
Just Musing,
Dr. Dee
[i] The “o” is missing for G-d and L-rd as a sign of respect and honor, for He is the Most Holy G-d, the One who is true; The One, the Creator, and Sustainer of the universe, and He is the Uncaused Cause. By leaving the “o” out of G-d and/or L-rd, it makes the distinction that I am not speaking of an idol, or any other entity, which uses the name “god”. This writer is referring to the one true G-d who revealed Himself to Moses as the I AM. In addition, it is my belief this is one of the ways, I can fulfill the first commandment and make it plain as to Who I serve. The first commandment commanded believers to honor the L-rd’s name. Therefore, by eliminating the “o”, His name (HaShem, G-d) is honored, if the paper were thrown away, burned or destroyed in some manner. It is this author’s intention to honor G-d in every area, in traditional and non-tradition ways as directed and led by His Spirit – the Holy Spirit. Dr. Dee Jackson
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Love Hurts
In an ideal situation or in utopia, love should NOT have to hurt, i.e., martial love. Yet, when we look at the soaring divorce rate, or listen to secular love songs, which speak to the break-ups, cheating hearts, abusing spouses, etc., love does seem to hurt. Does true love, even a G-dly love have to hurt?
It is inevitable that love will hurt at some point, even when marriages are blissful, just be
cause someone will die first, unless the couple is fortunate enough to die together; and without G-d in the marriage, people will continue to get divorces or abandon their spouses. Therefore, does love have to hurt? Yes, sometimes it truly does! I read that the greater the love, the greater the loneliness when a spouse dies or one is divorced, cheated on, or abandoned in a marriage.
Many of us, including myself can attest to how true this is! Yet, even after a devastating loss, life and loving does lie on the other side of healing, if we are willing to risk loving again. I have come to realize that there are few things that matter outside of loving G-d, family and others. Loving truly brings us together and loneliness reminds us of what is missing in our lives. And, yes, even as believers in Yeshua (Jesus), we still sometimes feel lonely and may long for a spouse, even though we are never alone, because He is always with us. 
Nonetheless, many of us are lonely, because we build walls, instead of bridges while previously married and/or as a single person possibly longing to be married, but unwilling to climb over our self-made walls. Oftentimes, we continue to build walls, because we are fearful of a new beginning. Building new bridges can be scary, because they are new, they are higher, they may not be secure and the risks seem greater than what they may be!
Nevertheless, in Messiah or Savior trusting in Him, we can once again love and be loved, if we are willing to embrace the process of beginning anew. G-d has provided us with His word to comfort us when we are lonely, and He has promised that He will place the solitary (lonely) within families. (Psalm 68:5-6) He is our Maker, He is our Husband, and He will provide us a spouse if we so desire. He will comfort us until He brings that special person for us to love again. We just have to be willing to cross the bridge and recognize His leading.
So the initial question, does love have to hurt? Love does not have to hurt within G-dly marriages where each person is first obedient to G-d and then committed to each other as modeled by our Savior. Will love hurt when a spouse departs due to death, divorce or abandonment? The answer is obvious. Yet, in spite of loss, fears of loving again will dissipate, if we trust Him with our new beginnings, our bridges, and our relationship. Is this easy? Certainly not! The choice – remain lonely or content in singleness.
Marriages can be an excellent opportunity to love G-d through your spouse and allow your spouse to feel G-d’s love flow through you. Married couples committed to G-d first, and then each other are an amazing witness to their families and their communities, but mostly to the Heavenly Father who created marriage. 
DocsMusing,
Dr. Dee
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Walking-Dead…
How deep is your pain due to a divorce or separation? Does the world seem foggy? Are you going about each day in a perfunctory fashion, putting on synthetic smiles, and hoping no one can see the pain?
I can tell you from experience, that separation and divorce is one of the most painful walking-dead experiences! Divorce is extremely hurtful for both parties and for family members, especially children. The feelings seem to surpass the death of a loved one, especially if your desire is reconciliation. Yet, is there a way to divorce proof a marriage?
Many so-called believers are going to divorce courts at the same rate as non-believers in this country. The stats are staggering, and the chances of remaining in a marriage after two, three or more divorces are slim to none. What can one do? What is the real answer?
The answer lies in our relationship with G-d. All our needs are found in Him and Him alone. In marriage, we must first be surrendered to Him and then to our mate. This requires our willingness to die to ourselves. Our willingness to put the other person before our own needs, and our willingness to kick selfishness, pride, lack of kindness, gentleness, compassion and disrespect aside. Yuck….you may thin
Recently, I learned about the 100/0 principle from a person who enjoyed a blissful relationship with his now deceased spouse. His sharing and transparency about their relationship has helped to revitalize my hopes for a blissful future marriage. The 100/0 principle essentially sums up Mark 12:29 -31 that reads:
Yeshua answered, “The most important is, ‘Sh’ma Yisra’el, Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai echad [Hear, O Isra’el, the Lord our G-d, the L-rd is one]; And you are to love Adonai your G-d with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your understanding and with all your strength.’The second is this: ‘You are to love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other mitzvah [commandment] greater than these.” [Complete Jewish Translation by David H. Stern]
Therefore, in order to love one’s spouse, love for G-d and obeying His commandments are first and foremost, and then loving one’s spouse…(your neighbor) as yourself. Loving one’s spouse means truly treating them as you would yourself and even better, for who hates their body and does not care for it? Sometimes it is easier for us to love the “neighbor” outside of our marriage than to love the one we are married too. This should not be.
Marriage can be all that G-d intends when both people decide to do, as G-d requires…first loving and obeying Him and then loving each other. How do we know what is required of G-d? His will and teachings are summed up for us in the Torah. I still believe in marriage and I believe that G-d honors marriages that honor Him!
Consequently, if you have experienced the devastating effects of a divorce or divorces regardless of the reasons, your hope and/or shame is not in the experiences or even in finding the next “right” person. Your HOPE is in the Savior and lover of your soul… Yeshua HaMashiach – (Jesus the Messiah). Your newness is in Him and being the right person that He has designed for you to be. Your hope is being a imitator of the Messiah.
Therefore, look to the Creator for healing, restoration, comfort, love, mercy and grace, and in due season, the pain and regret will dissipate… Be encouraged and always keep your eyes on the Maker our true, faithful, and loving husband. (Isaiah 54: 5)
Now, I realize that some of you reading this post may not believe as I believe, but the basic spiritual principle applies to everyone. Anyone who chooses to be in a marriage must be willing to love their mate, show kindness, respect, be trustworthy, and faithful to their promises to each other.
Just DocsMusings,
Dr. Dee
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Note/Disclaimer: If you are in need of marriage coaching, you are only an email or phone call away. Everyone is welcome regardless of religious affiliation, gender, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, etc. However, I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone deemed disrespectful, lewd, belligerent, etc. My services are designed to help those who truly want to save their marriages, gain positive insights or just in need of a listening ear. All information is strictly confidential and any phone calls will be recorded as a safety measure for all parties. Marriage coaching is not quick fix or an end in itself. Personal and/or couple change is a commitment, which requires work and change for the betterment of the marriage. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me. Please allow 3 days for a response due to a heavy case load.