Tag Archives: couples

Free Gifts of Love

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Only those who have learned the power of sincere and selfless contribution experience life’s deepest joy: true fulfillment.– Tony Robbins

Interesting fact – wealth is not linked to happiness according to the latest research. After accounting for basic needs (food, shelter, and money for the basics), wealth has a relatively small effect on well-being, though many would disagree, the fact remains.

However, in a study undertaken at the University of British Columbia, Professor Elizabeth Dunn observed a much stronger correlation between positive emotions from giving money away than spending it. Interestingly, people with less money derived more happiness from giving money to charity. This fact is exemplified by many people such as the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu and is the foundation for many who practice a life of faith. Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa and the Savior, Himself are most admired for their altruistic nature.

Giving money, giving one’s time and helping others creates feelings of love and happiness for both the giver and the recipient. Data from published documents suggests … volunteers have a lower risk of death than non-volunteers, as well as lower levels of depression and increased life satisfaction and enhanced well-being.

Now, I realize that some of you are skeptical and think this is rubbish. However, giving of money, time and/or resources is an exceptionally spiritual and powerful act which benefits the receiver and the giver.  It is more blessed to give than to receive. Acts 20:35

Myriad numbers of people have made a lasting impression through giving, and in turn, received reciprocation of their love and kindness. In this blog, listed below are gifts of love more precious than momentary gifts and available to everyone who wants to make a positive difference in the life of others.

The Gift of a Smile

A warm smile is the universal language for kindness. William Arthur Ward

Smiling is a universal language of warmth, friendliness and invitation. A genuine smile can literally change the attitude of a downcast person or change a negative situation into a positive one. Smiling costs nothing, but impacts lives beyond the value of dollars and cents. Have you shared a genuine smile today?

The Gift of Actively Listening

Cell phones are like a third hand, an appendage that is attached and constantly monitored for our immediate response. Technology has its advantage to say the least, but technology has also rendered active listening null and void in many situations. Next time you are out, notice couples at dinner, or folks on the bus, train, plane, people standing in line for coffee, or wherever you find people; and notice…what are they doing? Checking their phones, talking on their phones, texting on their phones.

Yet, when we sit down, silence our phones, and look someone in the eyes giving them our complete attention, we are providing a gift of love. We are providing a gift of time, respect, care, and demonstrating that we are a good listener. When was the last time you silenced your phone, and actively listened to the person sitting across from you?

The Gift of Time

Flying time or time flies is a fleeting resource we can never get back. Some of the most rewarding professions are spent giving time to help others, such as doctors, teachers, fire fighters, etc. However, routinely volunteering, conversing with someone who needs counsel or just needs company; spouses spending quality time together outside of arguing and doing the routine things, benefits the giver and the receiver. Giving of one’s time is a vital gift and a gift that will always be remembered. When was the last time you spent quality time with your spouse, child, parent or friend where your time together was the priority and not your cell phone?

The Gift of Sincerity

Insincerity is rampant in our homes, communities and everywhere we find ourselves. Many people have agendas, which only masturbate their narcissistic desires. However, modeling and displaying genuine honor, honesty and strong character is a gift of love to those in your inner circle and beyond. Knowing and being with someone who is sincere is truly a gift of love that makes lasting impressions. How sincere are you, and are you known for being a sincere person of character?

The Gift of True Love

I believe we have been created to love and be loved. It is our highest calling to first love G-d, then others and ourselves. Sensitivity, compassion, and understanding towards others are wonderful gifts of true love. However, tough love is also necessary. Tough love from someone who recognizes a pattern of apathy, failure, especially from a g-dly parent or teacher, etc. requires some constructive feedback in order to grow and change. Someone who has the courage to lovely admonish, truly loves or cares for us and our growth.

Tough love is about seeing the greatness in someone, and encouraging them to reach for their highest potential, instead of wallowing in mediocrity. Tough love requires a response – courage from the giver, and humility from the receiver with a willingness to consider the constructive feedback. Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend…Proverbs 27:5-6

We are all capable of giving gifts of love if we choose to walk in kindness and love. We make choices every day as to how we are going to treat others, and thus how others will perceive us based on the gifts of love we display. Let me urge you to share the above gifts on a regular basis and make a difference in the life of the giver and the receiver. Remember, the greatest gift of love is to change oneself. Choose to generously give gifts of love.

#DocsMusings

Dr. Dee

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Crumbs of Love~Crumbs of Hope

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Have you ever loved someone who only throws crumbs of love your way, giving you crumbs of hope? I have, and what a waste of living! Too often as women, we set our sights on a particular man, and our hearts soar with anticipation and expectations. Our hopes and fantasies sometimes blinds our vision and dulls our hearing in the hopes that our love desire will somehow be who and what we think we need, and yearn for in our lives. That’s a mouth full!

We sit by the phone incessantly waiting for a call, text or some other message. We scour our emails to ensure we haven’t missed a note, or we peruse social media. Sometimes, we find excuses to call our love interest, or be available at their beck and call. And, my on my…. when we are finally privileged with their presence, our hearts throb, and we think a piece of heaven has stepped on the scene. And, the scenario repeats over and over. Until…duh, we realize that doing the same thing again and again, i.e., loving someone who chooses not to love us back or has no desire to commit is futile; if not just plain insanity.

The movie “The Holiday” epitomizes a woman who loved someone for several years to finally realize that he did not love her, but wanted to keep her in his life for his purposes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZQV6NjR_bI But, when Iris (the character in the movie) takes a holiday vacation, she realizes that she has essentially been the dog eating the crumbs from her imagined committed partner. As the story evolves, she realizes she is designed to be the leading lady and finally breaks up with her love interest. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1CMnZDllDU

Many women want to be the leading lady in their relationship to no avail. So, instead, many of us settle for crumbs of love, which leads to imagined crumbs of hope. These crumbs often lead to a deeper sense of loneliness and despair. We settle for being the best friend at best, or just a tool in someone’s hand. And, so again, the cycle repeats, until we are redeemed from ourselves.

Redeemed from ourselves? Now that is a thought! This feat of redemption is attempted by some through mediation, yoga, spirituality, humanness, religion, hardness of heart, etc. But, others, like myself, look to the One true and only Redeemer who consistently reminds us that He is our TRUE love and He prepares the “Boaz” of our dreams. (Read about Boaz in the Bible, Ruth 2) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPevgTJDp7E

Ladies, there is never a short cut when true love is at stake. And, settling for less than G-d’s best, usually spells disaster and emotional violence. I know this from personal experience, and from conversations with many women who have experienced crumbs of love.

Loneliness is a (fill in the blank)! Believe me, when I tell you, I know and I’ve got the first-place award! However, living with g-dly principles, and choosing G-d’s way is so worth the adventure. Has the “right one” found me…not yet. But, he’s headed my way. Can’t wait. But, in the meantime, I’m growing from G-d’s transformative lessons and hoping to encourage others in their relationships.

I’m living life and doing my best to serve G-d, family and friends. If you find yourself settling for second place in the life of a man you are dating, or befriending, and he is not interested in a commitment; stop wasting your time wishing and hoping in a fantasy. Stop settling for crumbs of hope or crumbs of love. Instead, drop and pray! Seek G-d’s comfort, counsel, and ask G-d to send His best.

What are crumbs of love or crumbs of hope? Crumbs…being involved with someone who gives you hints that there might be a future; or he does nice things, and your inference – he’s into me. Maybe he comments that you are so like the type of woman, he would like to spend the rest of his life with…you know the innuendos that men will say in order to either manipulate, or keep you in the loop to serve their purposes. Let’s be real! Men or women will do and say manipulative things to serve their narcissistic appetites, if they are not people who pant after the One and True Living G-d.

Yet, for those of us who desire to live within a covenant marriage; games, lies, manipulations, innuendos, etc. are taboo, and have no place in any loving relationship. Our Savior gave His very best…Himself for His people. This is our example! This is our true love interest!

Start 2017 loving G-d and self, and leave all crumbs for the vacuum.

#Justsaying,

Dr. Dee

Challenging Relationships

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couple on red couchRelationships can be challenging especially when goals and desires are different, and the marriage lacks love and friendship.  I guess the ultimate goal of being together in a marriage and being happy is determined by the love factor and our determination to get through difficulties which will arise.

Steve Harvey wrote a book, which states, if a man tells you “we are friends” then believe it. This statement for many women may give them the impression that more will come, and possibly more will come down the line, but maybe not. I have spoken to many people who claim their relationship started off as friends, and then they married each other. Their marriage is like being married to their best friend, and they are very happy. Others, have waited for many years for marriage to their special friend to no avail.

As I am writing this blog, I can think of at least two women who dated a man for over 20 years and they never married. Both women desired marriage, but marriage never came. In fact, one woman was with her special friend for over 21 years. They went their separate ways, he found salvation, another woman, and married his new friend within six months.

So my question, how long should a woman wait for a man to ask her to marry him? Now, I can hear many women say, why should she wait? Or, she can ask him? Hum, but, I’m of the mindset, that men should ask women. I admit, I’m old-fashioned and my thinking is based on the Bible – he who finds a wife finds a good thing and finds favor with G-d; but, I also believe, most women would prefer being asked by the love of their life, and not the other way black couplearound. Disagree? Tell me all about it. I would love to hear your opinions.

Anyway, back to my point. Relationships can be challenging, but also invigorating and wonderful. I believe it depends on the willingness of each person to give 100% of their efforts to enjoy the relationship and contribute doing their very best to be the kind of person which makes a loving and positive difference in the relationship. I believe couples have to be very best friends, in addition to being in-love, committed, loyal and G-d fearing to name just a few.

Relationships based on love, true love will stand the test of time.  Issues must  become non-issues when it comes to choosing to do what is required to work things out.  When things are fantastic, great, exciting, and new in a relationship – we know and understand how easy and glorious the flow between a couple can be.  However, when things are strained, stressful, challenging, etc., in those times, love must prevail, if the relationship is going to survive.

In case you forgot, no one is perfect, not me or you.  Therefore, what we bring to the table in a marriage is love and raloneespect, and a willingness to grow; that is, if you love someone and desire to be with them. If not, then single-hood has its advantages as many of us are well aware.  But, at the end of the day, having someone dear and special to navigate through this planet, called life, is worth the effort to be a great mate committed to love, transparency, and understanding towards their spouse.

As I have matured, I have met a lot of people with a lot of money! I mean multi-millionaires! By the way, I’m expecting my millions today in the mail! Seriously!! 

As I was saying, I have met and become acquainted with many rich people, and though their money can buy almost anything, it can’t buy happiness or a stress free marriage.  I know people who are just getting by (financially), but are extremely happy with their life-mate.

Again, my point, relationships can be challenging, but so is everything else at least some things at some point. Our choice…choose to love your spouse, because at the end of the day, we have to decide who and what is most important. As always, you decide…woman man quote

Just Musing,

Dr. Dee

My-History

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Recently, I found my journal from 2009 as I was watching my grandson.  As I began reading “my-history”, I was amazed at how far G-d[1] has brought me!  Those of you, who know me very well, have some sense of the horrific pain, I endured because of a martial separation and eventual divorce, which began to unfold from many years earlier, with the official separation on July 25, 2009. past future road sign

However, this blog is not to bring up the past in any negative way!  The purpose of this writing is to praise G-d for how far He has brought me, and to thank Him for His healing love and hopefully to encourage you, my reader!  As I read my thoughts from the past, truly emotional vomit, I am astonished at how depressed and miserable I was at that time in my life.  Some of my entries seemed as though I was reading about a strange woman I had never met. Some of the entries of events were of things I do not even remember!  Imagine that! When G-d does a trans-formative work in our hearts, we truly will forget some of the horrific things we may have endured.

My heart was so very broken during that period in my life, I could not see the new beginning and the new life G-d had waiting for me!  All I saw was misery, pain, sadness, gloom and doom!  When I became single, I was so scared, and worried about everything that my head, heart and body ached what seemed like all the time.  Yet, few knew of the great agony oozing in my soul for so many months, because I hid behind my smiles, laughs, my false exterior.  There was no need to carry my hurt for the world to see….because the world could not help me.  Nor did I want to be the topic of gossip, so I appeared okay as my heart bled living within my shattered world once again. FreshPaint-brokeness

Then, as time passed, I sensed G-d telling me to get it together, lose weight, prepare for the husband He was sending and prepare for ministry.  So slowing, I began to date, work on my weight, and spend time in prayer and writing in my journal. Now, I feel great, I look great, and I am ready for G-d’s choice (husband) to step into my life.  I am also ready for ministry, as G-d has concretely demonstrated to me that He has made me that Proverbs 31 woman by His Spirit in spite of my many sins and errors!  Am I perfect, far from it…but I am ready to be what He has destined for me to be.

In closing, I read a quote from David Bryant’s book, Messengers of Hope…. to hope in G-d is not to escape from reality; rather it is to have the courage to look reality straight in the eyes.  The MOMENT we hold now is not our final destiny in Mashiach (Christ)!  This quote is so profound, because no hurt or situation is greater than the healing, restorative and redemptive work of our Almighty. There is healing, newness and wholeness in our Savior, if we hold onto Him during our times of difficulty, and His promises for those who trust in Him.

Please know and believe that G-d will be with you as you go through whatever it is that may be weighting heavy on your heart as you read this blog.  He will see you through and He does hear our prayers.  He is the Resurrection and the Life. I am so happy that I serve the Living G-d whose arms are not too short to save His people or His ear deaf to our cries!

FreshPaint-resurrection life

Be encouraged today, and know that this moment is not your final destination in Messiah. This truly will pass. However, you decide if you will be better or bitter on the other side of your drama.

The choice is always your call.

DocsMusings,

Dr. Dee

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[1]The “o” is missing for G-d and L-rd as a sign of respect and honor, for He is the Most Holy G-d, the One True One, the Creator, and Sustainer of the universe, and He is the Uncaused Cause. By leaving the “o” out of G-d and/or L-rd, it makes the distinction that I am not speaking of an idol, or any other entity, which uses the name “god”. This writer is referring to the one true G-d who revealed Himself to Moses as the I AM. In addition, it is my belief this is one of the ways, I can fulfill the first commandment.  The first commandment commanded believers to honor the L-rd’s name. Therefore, by eliminating the “o”, His name (HaShem, G-d) is honored, if the paper were thrown away, burned or destroyed in some manner, as well as for the benefit of online readers to reiterate Who He Is. It is this author’s intention to honor G-d in every area, in traditional and non-traditional ways as directed and led by G-d’s Breath – the Holy Spirit.

Tips For Marriage Counseling Success

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FreshPaint white couple

 

 

Has your marriage hit a brick wall? Are your attempts at solving conflict seem futile? If so, then counseling may be one of your answers. However, going to marriage counseling is not just about showing up and sitting down. Counseling success is hinged on active engagement, honesty and transparency. Therefore, in order for marriage counseling to have the best chances for your success, here are some tips.

  1. List the reasons why you need to speak to a third person. Are you having communication issues, intimacy issues, financial issues, etc. Clarify and write down your reason(s) prior to your first counseling session. Be sure to interview several marriage counselors or coaches and select someone you both feel comfortable with and someone who is committed to your success. If you are a Messianic/Christian couple, select someone who has the same biblical mindset.
  2. Set goals for the marriage. For Example: we both want to save our marriage, we want to better communicate with each other, we want to respect each other’s differences, etc. Again, be clear on the reason(s) as to why you are seeking counseling. Ensure that both partners are still interested in saving the marriage, and there isn’t a desire for a separation or divorce.
  3. Commit to the process for at least 6 months to a year in order to give yourselves the full opportunity of working out issues. Sometimes issues are related to childhood baggage and/or unresolved hurts from previous relationships. Committing to the process will ensure you get to the root of the problem so healing can transpired.FreshPaint-certificate of marriage
  4. Do not threaten separation or divorce during the time of counseling to which both of you have committed. Any threats of divorce will certainly undermine the success of the counseling.
  5. Be ready to take responsibility for your part in the marriage difficulties. Be accountable and willing to ask forgiveness and work on improving self. It is essential that you are willing to change personally for the better. Think about the accusations your spouse makes consistently concerning your behavior during an argument or whenever. If those comments are the same, then consider your words and behavior, which may need to change, or attempt to understand why your response is irritated by your behavior.
  6. Do not complain or speak negatively about your spouse to others, especially during the counseling period. Give yourself the best opportunity to reconcile differences within the marriage. Sometimes, people, especially friends will interject negativity into the situation, which could include advice to leave to give up on the marriage. This will weaken the reconciliation process, if not destroy any chances of resolution. If you must speak to someone, make sure it is someone who will fully support your efforts, and desires the best for you and your spouse.
  7. Prior to meeting with your coach or counselor, do not tell your spouse what to say during your counseling sessions. Remember, the only way to healing is through complete honesty and transparency. There is no need to feel embarrassed during a session with your coach or counselor. They are there to help.
  8. Make counseling sessions and the homework a priority. Counseling is only as good as the work each person is willing to put in to grow individually and as a couple.
  9. Realize there is no over-night cure. Again, stick with your obligation to go through counseling and be willing to honestly look at your great, good and awful behaviors, commit to change, and commit to the process.black and white couple

Challenges within a marriage are par for the course. However, couples who truly love each other and are committed to each other can overcome grievances and challenges, and enjoy their lives together. Choosing someone to journey with you as a couple can be one of the answers to your difficulties. Yet, as a couple, you have to be willing to put forth the effort to heal the wounded areas in your relationship. The choice is always yours.

Just Musing,

Dr. Dee

Anger’s Fury

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An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins. Proverbs 29:22anger and coffee

Have you ever been angry? I know, it is a silly question, because every human being has experienced anger at some point in their life. Anger is a feeling of great or excessive displeasure, hostility, indignation, exasperation or wrath according to Webster’s Dictionary, but you that. Yet, let me remind you that some folks thrive in their anger and enjoy its comfort. Anger allows some people to express themselves by shouting, yelling, cussing, pouting, hitting, and/or stomping. Still others use anger to express “true” matters of the heart, and use it as a time to put others down through falsely induced courage. Anger allows many to control, dominate, govern and manipulate. Anger’ fury instills fear, unrest, discomfort, nervousness, strife, division.  Anger can promote self-idolatry and lowers esteem in others. Anger can be inwardly manifested from very mild as in moodiness, or inwardly violent such as self-hatred, condemnation and more. Anger can be very extreme as in torture, bullying and murder.  Anger affects every cell in the body.

Anger or rage is the womb for past hurts, bitterness, malice, disease, lust, envy, death and destruction. Anger that isn’t of G-D will fester and ooze into every area of life killing victims through unkind words, and/or deeds that destroy and undermine relationships. Anger’s fury justifies self-righteousness, self-delusion, hardness of the heart, hypocrisy alienation and religious fanatical behaviors. Unmanaged and/or ungodly anger kills, steals, destroys and imprisons the soul of the its unsuspecting or suspecting prey and the angry individual. Anger, i.e., uncontrolled, ung-odly behavior is a crippling poisoning emotion. Anger, finally, wreaks havoc in homes, marriages, relationships and most importantly, ung-dly anger thwarts the purposes of G-D in the life of the believer.

The deadly impact of ung-dly anger is too exhaustive for this piece, and the psyche of the angry individual is beyond my expertise. However, the power and destruction of angry individuals is obviously evident in our personal and public lives. The media is littered with violent acts perpetrated on victims daily and literally from all over the world. Social media, emails, text messages, etc., vomits its share of violent acts disseminated on othanger collageers as well.

Each and every person has experienced feelings of anger mild or otherwise, even Adonai in both the Original and Renewed Covenant (Bible) displayed anger. In the Renewed Covenant, Yeshua (Jesus) got angry with the Pharisees due to their lack of compassion for the man with the crippled hand. Those religious leaders were more concern with the legality of the Shabbat (Sabbath) over the true meaning of the Shabbat, which in this case was the healing of the man, which ultimately gave him (the man with the crippled hand) his Shabbat. Yeshua was also furious with the money changers, who were dishonoring the temple of His Father. Yet, in all of His fury, He was without wickedness. Yeshua never attacked the person, but the debauchery that affected them and the community. His anger was evident, but not at the expense of destroying or attempting to destroy the soul of the person. If you believe in the works He did, then this point should be obvious. Otherwise, why would he come to give His life for our life’s liberty, joy and fulfillment through Him?

We should operate in love, even when we are angry with one another, especially towards our spouses and loved ones. And, yes we all get angry! I get angry! You get angry. Look around, the results of angry individuals hurts our communities.  Sometimes, even living on planet earth can be angry experience. Do I need to list all the evil things which attempt and/or find their way into our lives? Yet, in all our anger, we have to attempt to response in ways, which attack the issue(s) and not the individual(s). We have to find ways to be kind and compassionate to one another and put away any destructive anger. Ung-dly anger is extremely damaging and promotes all kinds of “deaths”.  As Thomas Kepis stated, All men desire peace, but few desire the things that make for peace.

Today, consider your immediate arena, and think about those things which infuriate you. Seek to put away your anger or if expressed try to deal with just the issue(s) and not attack the character of your spouse, friend, child, etc. If you are a believer in Messiah, then seek His counsel through prayer, His Word and others . If you are not a believer, then seek help from someone you trust or through books or counseling if anger consumes you more times than not.

I am a believer and I lived with a very angry person for many years. Unfortunately, the anger and emotional violence destroyed the relationship, and wreaked havoc on our family. In our case, anger’s fury destroyed our relationship. We failed and fell prey to the destructive nature of ung-dly uncontrolled rage. Yet, you do not have to be a victim of your anger or the anger of a loved one. Seek G-D, get help and learn to live a life of love. The effort is worth the Shalom (peace).

DocsMusings,

Dr. Dee

Is yours a …Healthy, Happy, and Hearty Relationship? Part Two

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If you are on the road to nowhere, find another road. Ashanti proverb

It is worth repeating… I do not know anyone who gets in a relationship thinking, I do not want this relationship or marriage to work out. Most people I know marry with the hopes of until death does us part. However, before getting married, there are always signs, red flags or blatant halt posts many of us fail to see or choose to ignore.

In my first post, I listed five things not to do if you are interested in a healthy, happy and hearty relationship. Following are some more considerations worth eliminating from your interactions with your mate, if you want to work towards happiness.

You Fail to Treat Each Other with Kindness

One of the greatest commandments is loving your neighbor as you love yourself. Often times, we think of a neighbor as someone outside of our home. However, your spouse is your neighbor and there is nothing more important than treating the person you love with care, consideration, compassion, and appreciation. So, if you find yourself showing more kindness to people you hardly know, coworkers, and others more than you show kindness to your partner, take a step back and revisit your priorities. Treat your mate with the utmost kindness.

You Mistrust Each Other

Healthy relationships are built on trust and a commitment to communication, as well as actions without deceptive intentions. Trust is something earned, given and cultivated within a relationship. Actions which even suggest some sort of impropriety ought not have a sit within a healthy, happy and hearty relationship. Trust your mate as their actions warrant, and be worthy of their trust.

You Harbor Wrongs

Your partner will infuriate and sometimes disgust you as you well know. Your partner will sometimes be disgusted by you or your actions, and will be completely annoyed with you as well. So what. Get over it. Communicate, work out the issues at hand and do not let issues fester and infect the relationship. You choose to let wrongs go, or you choose to harbor wrongs and embrace negativity. Let it go…forgive and know that you both are perfect for each other, but imperfect people. Free yourself from hateful and unforgiving, begrudging feelings.

You Do Not Respect Each Other

Aretha Franklin, Gospel and R&B singer came out with a song in 1967 called R.E.S.P.ECT.  In Aretha Franklin’s song, she tells her Boo (man) to find out what it (respect) means to her. Respect, needless to say is vital in a relationship. Respect synonymous for admiration, esteem, deference, high regard for, in awe of, amazement, and wonderment are essential to a happy relationship. If you desire to have a happy and harmonious relationship, you must respect each other. A relationship without respect is doomed for tragic results. Respect your mate as you would love to be respected.

If you are on the road to nowhere, find another road. (Ashanti proverb) In other words, if your relationship is drowning in negativity due to harboring wrongs, disrespect, unkindness, mistrust, lack of communication, lack of intimacy, violence, etc., then ask yourself, do I really want a healthy, happy and hearty relationship? If your answer is no, then you have wasted your time reading this post. If you want to have a healthy, happy and hearty relationship, then the change you desire begins with you. Decide if you love your mate enough to do what is required to live a healthy life together. Otherwise, if you find that you do not want the relationship, love yourself and each other enough to call it a day.

Just DocsMusings,

Dr. Dee

Are you in a healthy relationship?

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I do not know anyone who gets in a relationship thinking, I do not want this relationship or marriage to work out. Most people I know marry with the hopes of until death does us part.  However, prior to getting married, there are always signs, red flags or blatant halt posts many of us fail to see or choose to ignore. Consequently, when undesirable situations arise, often times we do things to enable or worsen our relationship, even blaming the other person, instead of doing what is required to enhance the relationship or choosing to exit.

After being in more failed relationships than I choose to reveal, I am an expert on what not to do.  There are so many experts who base their advice on their practical application, work experience or textbook knowledge.  Yet, I know what does not work and here are just five of many things, which DO NOT contribute to a healthy, happy and hearty relationship.

You Fail To Speak Your Mind

Relationships flourish when couples freely and honestly express themselves without fear of repercussions. Therefore, no topic is off-limits and each person feels heard and honored even if there is respectful disagreement, i.e., agree to disagree. Consistent, respectful, honest communication is vital to building a lasting, healthy, happy and hearty relationship.  Each person must feel safe to express their thoughts. Speak your mind with respect and listen with respect.

You Lack Personal Space

Being in-love is glorious to say the least, and spending time with you mate is second to none, especially when things are going well.  Yet, taking time to pursue your own interests within the confines of a faithful relationship, keeps your relationship fresh, and gives you an opportunity to grow as a person, while growing as a couple. Time apart is vital for reflection, prayer, mediation, exercise, reading, shopping, etc. Personal space is not a weapon to segregate yourself from your partner or to punish them.  Personal space is a gift to yourself and your mate when used as a time of growth.  Personal space is vital.

You Fight Dirty

Two people decide to marry. Disagreements are inevitable and normal. However, couples in a healthy, happy, and hearty relationship fight about the issue to reach an amicable solution, as oppose to attacking each other.  Attacking each other as if I need to explain, means absolutely no violence, name-calling, put downs or even bringing up a pass incident to use as a weapon against your mate. You must agree to disagree, and you must respect each other’s right to disagree.  If you find yourself needing to apologize, apologize and do it quickly.  Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. Fighting Dirty is not an option.

You Expect Your Partner To Change

Keep your eyes wide open when you are dating and see the reality of the individual standing on the opposite side of your relationship.  You must reconcile within yourself that those things you hate or dislike about the other person are ALSO part of what you adore about that person. Please, do not base a marriage on the hope that the other person will change or that some circumstance will change them.  You must come to the realization that the person is perfect for you, (or not) but not a perfect person.  Therefore, accept each other’s great, good, and not-so-good, and value them for who that are right now. You can only change you.

You Do Not Enjoy Each Other

Healthy, happy and hearty relationships are full of laughter and fun. Relationships filled with laughter, humor, fun, doing things together in large and simple ways is fundamental for the well-being of one’s relationship.  Obviously, happiness and giddiness will not be the menu every moment of everyday. However, the converse is true as well. Relationships full of strife, tension, and rigidity are damaging indications, which suggest you are with a negative person.  Take my counsel… flee, run and do not look back, because only continual misery will find you in the mist of relationship possibly never meant to be. Find joy in each other.

Most importantly, if you truly love each other, you will do what is required to find health, happiness and maintain a hearty relationship.  All relationships equipped in true love, faithfulness, honesty and transparency are destined until death does them part. Still, being mindful, watchful and prayerful prior to a commitment will help put couples on a positive trajectory considering the few points mentioned. The choice is always ours, choose wisely. Feast on these points and look for more ways that do not make for a health, happy and hearty relationship.

Doc’s Musings,

Dr. Dee

Money Matters

Relationships, , , , , , , , ,

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Fighting due to financial challenges is all too common in many marriages! Fighting or disagreements about money is normal in most marriages or relationships.  However, excessive fighting about money can lead to tremendous strain, tension, abuse and/or divorce. It’s not just about a lack of finances, but the lack of compatibility in the money arena.

We all know the old adage that “opposites attract”, but when two people have opposite and opposing views about money, divorce can occur.  Imagine for a moment a couple where one spends money all the time, and the other wants to save for the future. Or one person is very generous, and the other is a miser. One has no problem using credit cards, and the other believes in saving up for an item.  These differing ideas can cause tremendous problems in a relationship if there is no amicable solution.

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Unfortunately, many couples do not discuss financial matters thoroughly before getting married, or they get married and think they can change the other person, or that LOVE will take care of it. Phooey! Love is the main and sustaining reason, and I believe people should be in-love, devoted and committed to each upon entering into a covenant agreement. However, money matters should be discussed prior to the marriage with complete transparency, so each person knows exactly each other’s spending habits and beliefs about financial management. Here are a few tips to discuss before marriage:

  • Discuss if both partners are going to work. If debt is involved decide how you are going to pay off debts.  Ideally, live on one income (mortgage/rent, utilities, food, gas, clothing) and use the other income for savings, investments, vacations, education, etc.
  • Make sure you have emergency cash funds. Dave Ramsey suggest $1,000.00 cash for emergencies. I think this is a good start, but ideally you should have 3 – 6 months living expenses available for emergencies, and quickly replace any used funds. There should be no limit to emergency funds.
  • Decide on how you are going to give, save and invest your money as a couple. Seek counsel from a reputable financial company, pastor, rabbi or counselor to help you make decisions and plan for short and long range financial goals.
  • Create a reasonable monthly budget which includes spending money for each partner and leisure.
  • Decide who is going to pay the bills each month or will paying the bills be a joint effort? I suggest reviewing your budget/finances each month together and celebrate financial victories, like paying off a bill, or saving enough money for a vacation. If a financial goal is not met, calmly discuss what went wrong and how to make improvements. Be accountable to each other and your goals.
  • Attack the money issue and not each other. Remember, if an argument should develop, tackle the problem of excessive spending, high debt, etc., and try not to belittle and curse each other.
  • Seek counseling if you are unable to settle your money woes together. Often times the extremely generous or conversely, the miser has issues related to childhood in regards to money. A trained professional might help you discover any root issues that are hindering successful financial goals.  Discovery is vital in order to live a balanced life.

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I believe if two people truly love each other, any money woes can be handled through commitment, understanding, communication, hard work and sacrifice.  After all, it is just money, and though a major part of one’s commitment, it is just a part!  Imagine yourself without your spouse. Is that the choice you would prefer, because you cannot resolve your financial issues?  Marital issues over finances can be resolved and you can live a happy life together, if you are willing to work together as ONE to resolve financial woes. The choice is always ours. 

Just Musing,

Dr. Dee