Tag Archives: love

Tips For Marriage Counseling Success

Relationships, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

FreshPaint white couple

 

 

Has your marriage hit a brick wall? Are your attempts at solving conflict seem futile? If so, then counseling may be one of your answers. However, going to marriage counseling is not just about showing up and sitting down. Counseling success is hinged on active engagement, honesty and transparency. Therefore, in order for marriage counseling to have the best chances for your success, here are some tips.

  1. List the reasons why you need to speak to a third person. Are you having communication issues, intimacy issues, financial issues, etc. Clarify and write down your reason(s) prior to your first counseling session. Be sure to interview several marriage counselors or coaches and select someone you both feel comfortable with and someone who is committed to your success. If you are a Messianic/Christian couple, select someone who has the same biblical mindset.
  2. Set goals for the marriage. For Example: we both want to save our marriage, we want to better communicate with each other, we want to respect each other’s differences, etc. Again, be clear on the reason(s) as to why you are seeking counseling. Ensure that both partners are still interested in saving the marriage, and there isn’t a desire for a separation or divorce.
  3. Commit to the process for at least 6 months to a year in order to give yourselves the full opportunity of working out issues. Sometimes issues are related to childhood baggage and/or unresolved hurts from previous relationships. Committing to the process will ensure you get to the root of the problem so healing can transpired.FreshPaint-certificate of marriage
  4. Do not threaten separation or divorce during the time of counseling to which both of you have committed. Any threats of divorce will certainly undermine the success of the counseling.
  5. Be ready to take responsibility for your part in the marriage difficulties. Be accountable and willing to ask forgiveness and work on improving self. It is essential that you are willing to change personally for the better. Think about the accusations your spouse makes consistently concerning your behavior during an argument or whenever. If those comments are the same, then consider your words and behavior, which may need to change, or attempt to understand why your response is irritated by your behavior.
  6. Do not complain or speak negatively about your spouse to others, especially during the counseling period. Give yourself the best opportunity to reconcile differences within the marriage. Sometimes, people, especially friends will interject negativity into the situation, which could include advice to leave to give up on the marriage. This will weaken the reconciliation process, if not destroy any chances of resolution. If you must speak to someone, make sure it is someone who will fully support your efforts, and desires the best for you and your spouse.
  7. Prior to meeting with your coach or counselor, do not tell your spouse what to say during your counseling sessions. Remember, the only way to healing is through complete honesty and transparency. There is no need to feel embarrassed during a session with your coach or counselor. They are there to help.
  8. Make counseling sessions and the homework a priority. Counseling is only as good as the work each person is willing to put in to grow individually and as a couple.
  9. Realize there is no over-night cure. Again, stick with your obligation to go through counseling and be willing to honestly look at your great, good and awful behaviors, commit to change, and commit to the process.black and white couple

Challenges within a marriage are par for the course. However, couples who truly love each other and are committed to each other can overcome grievances and challenges, and enjoy their lives together. Choosing someone to journey with you as a couple can be one of the answers to your difficulties. Yet, as a couple, you have to be willing to put forth the effort to heal the wounded areas in your relationship. The choice is always yours.

Just Musing,

Dr. Dee

Anger’s Fury

Health and Wellness, Loving G-d, Loving Self, , , , , , , , ,

An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins. Proverbs 29:22anger and coffee

Have you ever been angry? I know, it is a silly question, because every human being has experienced anger at some point in their life. Anger is a feeling of great or excessive displeasure, hostility, indignation, exasperation or wrath according to Webster’s Dictionary, but you that. Yet, let me remind you that some folks thrive in their anger and enjoy its comfort. Anger allows some people to express themselves by shouting, yelling, cussing, pouting, hitting, and/or stomping. Still others use anger to express “true” matters of the heart, and use it as a time to put others down through falsely induced courage. Anger allows many to control, dominate, govern and manipulate. Anger’ fury instills fear, unrest, discomfort, nervousness, strife, division.  Anger can promote self-idolatry and lowers esteem in others. Anger can be inwardly manifested from very mild as in moodiness, or inwardly violent such as self-hatred, condemnation and more. Anger can be very extreme as in torture, bullying and murder.  Anger affects every cell in the body.

Anger or rage is the womb for past hurts, bitterness, malice, disease, lust, envy, death and destruction. Anger that isn’t of G-D will fester and ooze into every area of life killing victims through unkind words, and/or deeds that destroy and undermine relationships. Anger’s fury justifies self-righteousness, self-delusion, hardness of the heart, hypocrisy alienation and religious fanatical behaviors. Unmanaged and/or ungodly anger kills, steals, destroys and imprisons the soul of the its unsuspecting or suspecting prey and the angry individual. Anger, i.e., uncontrolled, ung-odly behavior is a crippling poisoning emotion. Anger, finally, wreaks havoc in homes, marriages, relationships and most importantly, ung-dly anger thwarts the purposes of G-D in the life of the believer.

The deadly impact of ung-dly anger is too exhaustive for this piece, and the psyche of the angry individual is beyond my expertise. However, the power and destruction of angry individuals is obviously evident in our personal and public lives. The media is littered with violent acts perpetrated on victims daily and literally from all over the world. Social media, emails, text messages, etc., vomits its share of violent acts disseminated on othanger collageers as well.

Each and every person has experienced feelings of anger mild or otherwise, even Adonai in both the Original and Renewed Covenant (Bible) displayed anger. In the Renewed Covenant, Yeshua (Jesus) got angry with the Pharisees due to their lack of compassion for the man with the crippled hand. Those religious leaders were more concern with the legality of the Shabbat (Sabbath) over the true meaning of the Shabbat, which in this case was the healing of the man, which ultimately gave him (the man with the crippled hand) his Shabbat. Yeshua was also furious with the money changers, who were dishonoring the temple of His Father. Yet, in all of His fury, He was without wickedness. Yeshua never attacked the person, but the debauchery that affected them and the community. His anger was evident, but not at the expense of destroying or attempting to destroy the soul of the person. If you believe in the works He did, then this point should be obvious. Otherwise, why would he come to give His life for our life’s liberty, joy and fulfillment through Him?

We should operate in love, even when we are angry with one another, especially towards our spouses and loved ones. And, yes we all get angry! I get angry! You get angry. Look around, the results of angry individuals hurts our communities.  Sometimes, even living on planet earth can be angry experience. Do I need to list all the evil things which attempt and/or find their way into our lives? Yet, in all our anger, we have to attempt to response in ways, which attack the issue(s) and not the individual(s). We have to find ways to be kind and compassionate to one another and put away any destructive anger. Ung-dly anger is extremely damaging and promotes all kinds of “deaths”.  As Thomas Kepis stated, All men desire peace, but few desire the things that make for peace.

Today, consider your immediate arena, and think about those things which infuriate you. Seek to put away your anger or if expressed try to deal with just the issue(s) and not attack the character of your spouse, friend, child, etc. If you are a believer in Messiah, then seek His counsel through prayer, His Word and others . If you are not a believer, then seek help from someone you trust or through books or counseling if anger consumes you more times than not.

I am a believer and I lived with a very angry person for many years. Unfortunately, the anger and emotional violence destroyed the relationship, and wreaked havoc on our family. In our case, anger’s fury destroyed our relationship. We failed and fell prey to the destructive nature of ung-dly uncontrolled rage. Yet, you do not have to be a victim of your anger or the anger of a loved one. Seek G-D, get help and learn to live a life of love. The effort is worth the Shalom (peace).

DocsMusings,

Dr. Dee

Sizzling or Soothing… Words Speak

Loving G-d, Loving Self, , , , , , ,

talking megaphoneWe all know how powerfully words affect our world view, our attitude and how we think of others and ourselves. Do you remember the kiddy rhyme: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? Yeah, right! This is one of the biggest and most destructive lies ever told to children! The intention of the saying may be honorable in an effort to get children to ignore evil, negative and disgusting comments. However, the creative force behind negative words pierce the very soul and spirit of the person on the receiving end.

How many of you can remember being called outside-of-your name? How many can remember being called ugly, fat, loser, poser, bit–, mother f—–? How about n—–, fa—- or bast—? How about someone condemning you to the pit of hell for adultery, an abortion, cheating on a spouse, filing bankruptcy, lying etc.? Have you ever experienced condemnation, hatred, bigotry, put-downs, abuses and other evils, because of that little rudder in someone’s mouth? If you have not experienced any of the above or worst, you are truly either blessed or living outside of the human experience.

Anyone who has been at the receiving end of a bully’s furious spewing knows that negative words are a destructive force like a double-edged sword ripping flesh apart. I would think, many of us know better than to repeat the old adage about sticks and stones, but more importantly, we do not seem to fully grasp the power of  words. So, why do we repeat sayings we know are false? Why do we deceive ourselves with seemingly comforting words, which instead burn unseen scars upon our souls? Why do many of us persist in the deception that words cannot and do not harm?

man speaking pointingThe biblical principle in James 3:1-12 vividly outlines the might and power of words. Words can create positive, encouraging and loving environments or destructive, damaging or negative environments whether spiritual or physical. The reality of destructive language is obvious, yet somehow we continually dismiss the influence of words.

Destructive language reaches beyond being on the receiving end of a bully. We often times bully or torment ourselves based on our circumstances, self-hatred and more. We speak evil of ourselves to ourselves and others. We compare ourselves to others and spew self-destructive thoughts inwardly and outwardly denying the very glory we have been innately given. We listen and believe lies, instead of the truth about how much we are loved and longed for by the Creator.

Whether it is personal, social or political, we are daily bombarded by negative words meant to kill, steal and destroy our very souls. However, we can choose to be part of the negativity, or we can choose to make a positive difference. We can choose to listen to voices of evil, or we can choose to shut the voices down. We can choose to think of ourselves in mediocre or vile ways; or we can choose to love ourselves, and thus inevitably, we will demonstrate love for others. Clearly, words are powerful and affect us. It is our choice to either speak words of love or words of hatred.

Are your words sizzling and negatively destructive or are your words soothing and positively uplifting? Do your words make others laugh, smile, frown or cry?  Do others cringe at the sound of your voice? Or, do others welcome your loving input into their lives and the lives of others?

black woman smiling

You make the choice each time you speak.

DocsMusings!

Dr. Dee

 

86 Loving Ways to Care

Relationships, , , , , , ,

love goggleHappy and loving marriages require loving and positive actions. Most woman, I would imagine want to enjoy their husbands! Who want to toil in an arduous relationship? The answer is obvious! In relationships, especially marriages, there are many ways to encourage your husband, which will build him up and contribute to a happier life together. It is my contention that a loving wife can easily encourage her husband. A wife’s approval is powerfully vital, and applying the following steps consistently will make a positive difference in your marriage. Listed below are just 86 ways to inspire and encourage your spouse.

  1. Communicate with him respectfully
  2. Respond to him gently
  3. Let him know how important he is to you
  4. Try to understand his reasons, even when you disagree
  5. Let go of the small stuff
  6. Ask for his help
  7. Let him help and protect you
  8. Tell him you love him
  9. Tell him you like him
  10. Tell him you respect him
  11. Tell him he is the greatest person in your life
  12. Give him space for hobbies or quiet time
  13. Let him know how much you appreciate him
  14. Show him that your respect him and trust him
  15. When you go out on dates, do not bring up negative issues or problems
  16. Focus your attention on the great things he does right
  17. Show interest in what he feels is important in life
  18. Show him that you enjoy spending time alone
  19. Be happy and positive when he comes home
  20. Do not allow any family member or friend to treat him disrespectfully
  21. Defend him to any family member who attempts to dishonor him
  22. Compliment his efforts above his performance
  23. Seek his advice when you seek challenges
  24. Set and work on goals together
  25. Respect his leadership in the home
  26. Be forgiving when he offends you
  27. Find ways to show him you need him. Men need to be needed.
  28. Do not bombard him with “honey-dos”
  29. Quickly admit your mistakes and ask for forgiveness
  30. Rub his feet, neck, and shoulders when he is stressed
  31. When he wants to talk, actively listen and ask questions
  32. Tell him you are proud of him
  33. Give advice in a loving manner and do not nag
  34. Reserve energy for intimacy
  35. Praise him for being a good man
  36. Text him love notes during the day
  37. Leave him a sweet voice mail
  38. Brag about him to others even if he is not there
  39. Share your feelings in a concise way
  40. Tell him 3 things you appreciate about him and why
  41. Honor him and show respect in front of others
  42. Help him accomplish his family and personal goals
  43. Give him space if he is in a bad mood or doesn’t want to talk
  44. Don’t compare him to others, especially in a negative way
  45. Tell him thank you for the special things his does
  46. Write “I love you” across the bathroom mirror
  47. Leave love notes for him to find
  48. Work to get rid of the negative things he does not like about you
  49. Do not expect him to notice everything you do
  50. Consult him before making important plans
  51. Let him sleep in when possible
  52. Do not criticize his intelligence
  53. Initiate sex sometimes
  54. Get to the point during discussions
  55. Wink at him when you are across the room in public
  56. Smile at him often
  57. Give him the benefit of the doubt in all situations
  58. Try not to quarrel over words
  59. Do not call him out of his name during arguments
  60. Attack the issue(s) not him
  61. Be kind and polite to him
  62. Stick to financial goals and do not sneak purchases behind his back
  63. Do not blame him for everything that goes wrong
  64. When he blows it, don’t throw it back up in his face
  65. Be understanding
  66. Never argue over money – figure it out in a respectful way
  67. Hold his hand when out in public
  68. Snuggle close when possible
  69. Don’t expect him to read your mind – tell him what you need, think and/or want
  70. Check with him before you throw anything of his away
  71. Work to stay in shape
  72. When you are angry, do not give him the silent treatment
  73. Look your best, especially when out in public
  74. Be his best cheer leader
  75. Acknowledge his successes in everyday situations
  76. Focus on his positives
  77. Patiently show how you need him to love you
  78. Encourage healthy eating
  79. Thank him for being who he is
  80. Enjoy all the time you have with him
  81. Remember to keep humor alive in the relationship
  82. Do things he likes sometimes without grumbling
  83. Plan a romantic dinner or trip for the two of you to a place he loves
  84. Cook his favorite meal and serve him while he sits
  85. Treat him like a king – royal, special and beloved
  86. If you believe in prayer, pray for him consistently

DocsMusings,

Dr. Dee

Just Musing

Loving Self, , , , , , , , , ,

Just sitting here listening to “Shadows” by Lindsey Stirling sipping on a glass of red wine and thinking about you, my reader. Here in Georgia it is a gorgeous Sunday afternoon with the temperatures around 71 degrees with light winds. A perfect afternoon for writing! I am so blessed that I get to share my thoughts with you.

gratefulToday, I feel grateful for my life, my children, my family, my career, my triumphs, challenges and even failures. This morning I woke up thinking about how unbelievably fast my life has reached this point and how much time I have wasted on whatever. Like so many, I have allowed myself to wallow in the quicksand of regret, and shame sinking to lows I never deemed possible. But, today, as I look out of my study window writing to you, I am reminded of all the beauty that life still holds for me and for you.

It is so easy to whine, complain, and gripe, and so easy to forget about the things in life which are good. Wow, this music is so sweet! It really helps to relax my soul. Let me urge you today, to enjoy each moment of your life and choose to do good and be a blessing to others. As we struggle in the difficulties of life’s drama, there is always someone who has challenges even greater than ourselves. Oftentimes, our thinking perpetuates the negativity of a situation, thus causing us to feel victimized and powerless. Yet, in many situations we can rise above the negativity of our thinking, and begin to grow from dramatic situations and live a healthier life.

Our thoughts are extremely powerful, and unchecked can run rampant causing undesirable behaviors, views, feelings, and even negative physical manifestations in our body. For example, if someone says, I’m stupid and I will never amount to anything, chances are they won’t. Or, I’m so fat, I will never lose weight, then they will never lose weight and they will continue to over eat and stay obese. Finally, a person claims, I will never forgive him/her for what he/she did, and I will never trust another person, then trust will always be a struggle.

Our behavior is directly related to our thoughts. If we have loving thoughts towards ourselves and others, our behavior will be indicative of that. If we have negative or hateful thoughts towards others we will behave likewise. Consider the media and all the violence bombarding society. Clearly, folks do not murder someone because they love them. Terrorist activity, rape, theft, abuse and more is not steeped in love! Our behavior is based on our thoughts. If we love, we demonstrate loving actions towards ourselves and others. The converse is equally true.

Our thoughts stimulate our emotions. Our emotions determine our attitude. Our behavior is based on our attitude. What is attitude? Our approach, belief, thinking, outlook on whatever subject or person we are thinking about. We can choose to think positively or we can choose to think negativity. We can choose to live in regret, shame, remorse or guilt. Or we can choose to forgive ourselves, others and even G-d and learn from the challenges in order to live a healthy and happy life. shadow

Again, I am grateful for all life’s experiences and the freedom to share them with you. Be encouraged today, to enjoy today. Let go of all the negativity which impacts your life and make the decision to control your thinking. Make the decision to relish in the dance of life, which our Creator has bestowed on us. Choose to control your thinking in order to live a life filled with love and gratitude. Choose the light and not the shadow.

Just Musing,

Dr. Dee

Shadows by Lindsay Stirling: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGCsyshUU-A

 

What is the difference between Veterans Day and Memorial Day?

Loving Self, , , , , , , , ,

Every last Monday of May and each November 11 we honor military personnel. On the last Monday of May, Memorial Day, many people have festive celebrations, including barbeques, music, fireworks, dancing and more. Veterans Day is on November 11, and for most people this means a day off of work in America at least for most government workers. However, many people confuse Memorial Day and Veterans Day, or they just do not realize there is a difference between the two days. Both holidays were established to recognize and honor the men and women who have served in the military of the United States of America regardless of branch of service. However, there is a difference for each day’s recognition of military service.

Memorial Day was originally set aside as a day of remembering, honoring military personnel who died serving in the Armed Forces for their country, predominately those who died in battle or due to injuries sustained in battle. Veterans Day also honors those who died in service and is celebrated on November 11. However, Veterans Day is intended to thank and honor all those who honorably serve in the Armed Forces or military during wartime or peacetime. Consequently, Veterans Day is largely intended to thank living Veterans for their service and acknowledge their contributions to our national security.

Photo: Fort Smith National CemeteryFort Smith National Cemetery

Unfortunately, war seems to be a necessary part of living on earth. There is always a battle between opposing views, good versus evil, or real/imaginary rivals. I truly wish there was shalom (peace) throughout the entire universe and I believe we were created to live at peace with each other. Yet, I realize people will always be at war, because the jihad begins in our own souls and is acted out on various levels, including world and civil wars. And, until we love our Creator, ourselves, our children more than we hate our enemies, war is imminent and consistently lurking. Consequently, war brings death, loss and great sacrifice in the name of peace (or perceived/limited peace) and security for our borders.

Did you know? To ensure the sacrifices of America’s fallen heroes are never forgotten, in December 2000, the U.S. Congress passed and the president signed into law “The National Moment of Remembrance Act,” P.L. 106‐579, creating the White House Commission on the National Moment of Remembrance. The commission’s charter is to “encourage the people of the United States to give something back to their country, which provides them so much freedom and opportunity” by encouraging and coordinating commemorations in the United States of Memorial Day and the National Moment of Remembrance. The National Moment of Remembrance encourages all Americans to pause wherever they are at 3 p.m. local time on Memorial Day for a minute of silence to remember and honor those who have died in service to the nation. (Information taken from, ReadWorks.org, Internet Accessed: 30 May 2016, http://www.readworks.org/passages/what-difference-between-veterans-day-and-memorial-day)

I have family members who have served in the Armed Forces for the United States of America, in addition to family members who are currently serving just like you. I am proud and sadden by the sacrifice our military families endure and the service of the military personnel to ensure the freedoms we have in our country. Today, this Memorial Day of 2016, between the eating, dancing, laughter, fun, fireworks, and celebrating, consider pausing for prayer, reflection and remembering those who have died serving in the military for this great nation.

DocsMusings,

Dr. Dee

 

Is yours a …Healthy, Happy, and Hearty Relationship? Part Two

Relationships, , , , , , , ,

facebook_1460550114459

If you are on the road to nowhere, find another road. Ashanti proverb

It is worth repeating… I do not know anyone who gets in a relationship thinking, I do not want this relationship or marriage to work out. Most people I know marry with the hopes of until death does us part. However, before getting married, there are always signs, red flags or blatant halt posts many of us fail to see or choose to ignore.

In my first post, I listed five things not to do if you are interested in a healthy, happy and hearty relationship. Following are some more considerations worth eliminating from your interactions with your mate, if you want to work towards happiness.

You Fail to Treat Each Other with Kindness

One of the greatest commandments is loving your neighbor as you love yourself. Often times, we think of a neighbor as someone outside of our home. However, your spouse is your neighbor and there is nothing more important than treating the person you love with care, consideration, compassion, and appreciation. So, if you find yourself showing more kindness to people you hardly know, coworkers, and others more than you show kindness to your partner, take a step back and revisit your priorities. Treat your mate with the utmost kindness.

You Mistrust Each Other

Healthy relationships are built on trust and a commitment to communication, as well as actions without deceptive intentions. Trust is something earned, given and cultivated within a relationship. Actions which even suggest some sort of impropriety ought not have a sit within a healthy, happy and hearty relationship. Trust your mate as their actions warrant, and be worthy of their trust.

You Harbor Wrongs

Your partner will infuriate and sometimes disgust you as you well know. Your partner will sometimes be disgusted by you or your actions, and will be completely annoyed with you as well. So what. Get over it. Communicate, work out the issues at hand and do not let issues fester and infect the relationship. You choose to let wrongs go, or you choose to harbor wrongs and embrace negativity. Let it go…forgive and know that you both are perfect for each other, but imperfect people. Free yourself from hateful and unforgiving, begrudging feelings.

You Do Not Respect Each Other

Aretha Franklin, Gospel and R&B singer came out with a song in 1967 called R.E.S.P.ECT.  In Aretha Franklin’s song, she tells her Boo (man) to find out what it (respect) means to her. Respect, needless to say is vital in a relationship. Respect synonymous for admiration, esteem, deference, high regard for, in awe of, amazement, and wonderment are essential to a happy relationship. If you desire to have a happy and harmonious relationship, you must respect each other. A relationship without respect is doomed for tragic results. Respect your mate as you would love to be respected.

If you are on the road to nowhere, find another road. (Ashanti proverb) In other words, if your relationship is drowning in negativity due to harboring wrongs, disrespect, unkindness, mistrust, lack of communication, lack of intimacy, violence, etc., then ask yourself, do I really want a healthy, happy and hearty relationship? If your answer is no, then you have wasted your time reading this post. If you want to have a healthy, happy and hearty relationship, then the change you desire begins with you. Decide if you love your mate enough to do what is required to live a healthy life together. Otherwise, if you find that you do not want the relationship, love yourself and each other enough to call it a day.

Just DocsMusings,

Dr. Dee

Are you in a healthy relationship?

Relationships, , , , , , , ,

 

 

I do not know anyone who gets in a relationship thinking, I do not want this relationship or marriage to work out. Most people I know marry with the hopes of until death does us part.  However, prior to getting married, there are always signs, red flags or blatant halt posts many of us fail to see or choose to ignore. Consequently, when undesirable situations arise, often times we do things to enable or worsen our relationship, even blaming the other person, instead of doing what is required to enhance the relationship or choosing to exit.

After being in more failed relationships than I choose to reveal, I am an expert on what not to do.  There are so many experts who base their advice on their practical application, work experience or textbook knowledge.  Yet, I know what does not work and here are just five of many things, which DO NOT contribute to a healthy, happy and hearty relationship.

You Fail To Speak Your Mind

Relationships flourish when couples freely and honestly express themselves without fear of repercussions. Therefore, no topic is off-limits and each person feels heard and honored even if there is respectful disagreement, i.e., agree to disagree. Consistent, respectful, honest communication is vital to building a lasting, healthy, happy and hearty relationship.  Each person must feel safe to express their thoughts. Speak your mind with respect and listen with respect.

You Lack Personal Space

Being in-love is glorious to say the least, and spending time with you mate is second to none, especially when things are going well.  Yet, taking time to pursue your own interests within the confines of a faithful relationship, keeps your relationship fresh, and gives you an opportunity to grow as a person, while growing as a couple. Time apart is vital for reflection, prayer, mediation, exercise, reading, shopping, etc. Personal space is not a weapon to segregate yourself from your partner or to punish them.  Personal space is a gift to yourself and your mate when used as a time of growth.  Personal space is vital.

You Fight Dirty

Two people decide to marry. Disagreements are inevitable and normal. However, couples in a healthy, happy, and hearty relationship fight about the issue to reach an amicable solution, as oppose to attacking each other.  Attacking each other as if I need to explain, means absolutely no violence, name-calling, put downs or even bringing up a pass incident to use as a weapon against your mate. You must agree to disagree, and you must respect each other’s right to disagree.  If you find yourself needing to apologize, apologize and do it quickly.  Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. Fighting Dirty is not an option.

You Expect Your Partner To Change

Keep your eyes wide open when you are dating and see the reality of the individual standing on the opposite side of your relationship.  You must reconcile within yourself that those things you hate or dislike about the other person are ALSO part of what you adore about that person. Please, do not base a marriage on the hope that the other person will change or that some circumstance will change them.  You must come to the realization that the person is perfect for you, (or not) but not a perfect person.  Therefore, accept each other’s great, good, and not-so-good, and value them for who that are right now. You can only change you.

You Do Not Enjoy Each Other

Healthy, happy and hearty relationships are full of laughter and fun. Relationships filled with laughter, humor, fun, doing things together in large and simple ways is fundamental for the well-being of one’s relationship.  Obviously, happiness and giddiness will not be the menu every moment of everyday. However, the converse is true as well. Relationships full of strife, tension, and rigidity are damaging indications, which suggest you are with a negative person.  Take my counsel… flee, run and do not look back, because only continual misery will find you in the mist of relationship possibly never meant to be. Find joy in each other.

Most importantly, if you truly love each other, you will do what is required to find health, happiness and maintain a hearty relationship.  All relationships equipped in true love, faithfulness, honesty and transparency are destined until death does them part. Still, being mindful, watchful and prayerful prior to a commitment will help put couples on a positive trajectory considering the few points mentioned. The choice is always ours, choose wisely. Feast on these points and look for more ways that do not make for a health, happy and hearty relationship.

Doc’s Musings,

Dr. Dee

Money Matters

Relationships, , , , , , , , ,

broke 3

Fighting due to financial challenges is all too common in many marriages! Fighting or disagreements about money is normal in most marriages or relationships.  However, excessive fighting about money can lead to tremendous strain, tension, abuse and/or divorce. It’s not just about a lack of finances, but the lack of compatibility in the money arena.

We all know the old adage that “opposites attract”, but when two people have opposite and opposing views about money, divorce can occur.  Imagine for a moment a couple where one spends money all the time, and the other wants to save for the future. Or one person is very generous, and the other is a miser. One has no problem using credit cards, and the other believes in saving up for an item.  These differing ideas can cause tremendous problems in a relationship if there is no amicable solution.

Credit-Cards

Unfortunately, many couples do not discuss financial matters thoroughly before getting married, or they get married and think they can change the other person, or that LOVE will take care of it. Phooey! Love is the main and sustaining reason, and I believe people should be in-love, devoted and committed to each upon entering into a covenant agreement. However, money matters should be discussed prior to the marriage with complete transparency, so each person knows exactly each other’s spending habits and beliefs about financial management. Here are a few tips to discuss before marriage:

  • Discuss if both partners are going to work. If debt is involved decide how you are going to pay off debts.  Ideally, live on one income (mortgage/rent, utilities, food, gas, clothing) and use the other income for savings, investments, vacations, education, etc.
  • Make sure you have emergency cash funds. Dave Ramsey suggest $1,000.00 cash for emergencies. I think this is a good start, but ideally you should have 3 – 6 months living expenses available for emergencies, and quickly replace any used funds. There should be no limit to emergency funds.
  • Decide on how you are going to give, save and invest your money as a couple. Seek counsel from a reputable financial company, pastor, rabbi or counselor to help you make decisions and plan for short and long range financial goals.
  • Create a reasonable monthly budget which includes spending money for each partner and leisure.
  • Decide who is going to pay the bills each month or will paying the bills be a joint effort? I suggest reviewing your budget/finances each month together and celebrate financial victories, like paying off a bill, or saving enough money for a vacation. If a financial goal is not met, calmly discuss what went wrong and how to make improvements. Be accountable to each other and your goals.
  • Attack the money issue and not each other. Remember, if an argument should develop, tackle the problem of excessive spending, high debt, etc., and try not to belittle and curse each other.
  • Seek counseling if you are unable to settle your money woes together. Often times the extremely generous or conversely, the miser has issues related to childhood in regards to money. A trained professional might help you discover any root issues that are hindering successful financial goals.  Discovery is vital in order to live a balanced life.

broke

I believe if two people truly love each other, any money woes can be handled through commitment, understanding, communication, hard work and sacrifice.  After all, it is just money, and though a major part of one’s commitment, it is just a part!  Imagine yourself without your spouse. Is that the choice you would prefer, because you cannot resolve your financial issues?  Marital issues over finances can be resolved and you can live a happy life together, if you are willing to work together as ONE to resolve financial woes. The choice is always ours. 

Just Musing,

Dr. Dee

Holiday Discovery

Relationships, , , , , , , , ,

Recently, I watched one of my favorite movies, The Holiday. This movie is about two women from different parts of the world whose relationships have gone awry. In an effort to get over their lovers, they switched houses and their new journeys began.  Iris, one of the main characters was in love and involved with her co-worker for over three years.  Though their relationship had endured many twists and turns, she never expected the surprised announcement at the company Christmas Party.  Her beau got engaged to another woman on staff!  Talk about a shocker!  Needless to say, Iris was devastated. Her heartbreak led her to accept the offer of Amanda (the other main character) whose live-in male friend had an affair with his co-worker. Both women, victims of cheating male counter-parts embarked on a healing journey.

Iris finally realized during her new adventure that her addictive love towards her co-worker was pathetic, tragic and unproductive.  Her beau (Jasper) refused to love her and he used Iris for his sexual self-interest and his career advancements.  Iris blinded by her love for Jasper failed to see the role she played in her own heartbreak, until after her holiday quest. In the end, she realized through her new friendships and self-discovery that she had been the best friend with benefits, instead of the leading lady.

This movie reminded me of myself and the mistakes I have made in relationships.  Often times I believe we (many of us) see what we want to see, and fail to see or accept the reality of toxic relationships.  Like Iris, I have been in-love with a man who failed or would not love me back. And, rather than move on, somehow like Iris, I justified hanging in there to my own detriment.  My experiences have taught me valuable lessons I can now pass on to anyone with an ear to hear.

The most powerful line in the movie suggested that she was playing the role of a best friend when really she was or should have been the leading lady.  This rang so true, because I believe sometimes, we as women think we are the leading lady in the romance of our life, when in fact the opposite is true.  In your beau’s mind you may just be a friend, at the most, a best friend, but simply a friend.  If a man only wants sex in private, but fails to recognize you in public, awake O’sleeper and flee! (Read: Steve Harvey’s book – Think like a Man and Act like a Lady).  Wow, so how can we move from a pathetic relationship?

First and foremost, it is always about loving self, if you do not believe in the Creator.  Otherwise, after your committed love for Him, then we are to love ourselves.  How can we love ourselves and then another, if we do not love G-d and understand respect and honor?  Knowing one’s desires based on spiritual principles, hopes, desires, and goals are the beginning steps to knowing your worth and then conducting yourself accordingly.  To compromise yourself or settle for something that is contrary to your basic core is a disaster waiting to happen.  Love yourself enough to be willing to let go of a toxic relationship. Love yourself enough to know you are worthy to have a relationship with someone who will love, honor and respect you back.

love quoteSo often, I hear women say there are no good men out there, or no one will love them, or all the good men are gone, or I’m not pretty, smart, skinny, whatever enough. Stop it! You are all you believe you are, and if you are thinking negatively about yourself you will draw a negative no-good man in your life.  Many men treat women exactly the way they allow them to be treated. Many people in general treat people in ways that we allow.  If we want respect, we have to give and demand respect back.  If we want to be the leading lady in our beau’s life, we have to be the leading lady and not accept anything less.

We need and desire friends – at least I do! I enjoy the company of both men and women friends.  Life without people I can enjoy and confide in outside of my family would be miserable.  However, being the first and leading lady in a relationship which could lead to a commitment/marriage is a different matter, and should not be confused by a best friend with benefits affair.

Proverbs 31:10-31 spells out the ideal leading lady. The woman in this biblical verse is far beyond that of pearls and is extremely capable, intelligent and industrious.  She understands her self-worth, and she is honored and adored by her husband and children.  She manages her business affairs, her household and enjoys her days.  She demands respect, because she exemplifies a woman of character, love and spirituality.  She is a super woman!

So what is my point? We ought not to underestimate ourselves and give away our dignity and love to a man who is unworthy of our love, because he refuses to love us back.  We should be mindful of being a wife to a man who only wants to gratify his selfish needs.  Instead, expect the man of your dreams to honor you as the leading lady and treat you as such.  Expect love and commitment and do not settle for someone who has baggage from his previous relationship(s) or other life challenges.  Do what is required to free yourself from a toxic relationship or toxic thinking.

What is toxic thinking? Toxic thinking is steeped in negative affirmations about yourself, your situation, life in general, and the belief that nothing good will EVER happen to you.  Therefore, you feel compelled to take whatever you can get.  Toxic thinking and behavior allows us to blindly go along with the flow of a bad relationship until something shocking wakes us from our slumber.  Toxic thinking like so many others things is a choice.  Choose to believe the best for yourself and have faith that good things and/or a great relationship is for you.  Great relationships happen in real life too, not just the movies.

Great relationships begin with being what your desire. Work on loving and respecting yourself as the awesome woman G-d has designed, and then expect the highest form of good in your life. Holiday Discovery is letting go of the negative and embracing the positive experiences of the present. So, what will you choose and what actions will you take? 

 

Just Musing!

Dr. Dee

Interested in learning more about ridding yourself of toxic thinking? Let me recommend, Dr. Caroline’s Leaf book: Switch On Your Brain. I would love to hear your thoughts on this book.