Tag Archives: Romance

Crumbs of Love~Crumbs of Hope

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Have you ever loved someone who only throws crumbs of love your way, giving you crumbs of hope? I have, and what a waste of living! Too often as women, we set our sights on a particular man, and our hearts soar with anticipation and expectations. Our hopes and fantasies sometimes blinds our vision and dulls our hearing in the hopes that our love desire will somehow be who and what we think we need, and yearn for in our lives. That’s a mouth full!

We sit by the phone incessantly waiting for a call, text or some other message. We scour our emails to ensure we haven’t missed a note, or we peruse social media. Sometimes, we find excuses to call our love interest, or be available at their beck and call. And, my on my…. when we are finally privileged with their presence, our hearts throb, and we think a piece of heaven has stepped on the scene. And, the scenario repeats over and over. Until…duh, we realize that doing the same thing again and again, i.e., loving someone who chooses not to love us back or has no desire to commit is futile; if not just plain insanity.

The movie “The Holiday” epitomizes a woman who loved someone for several years to finally realize that he did not love her, but wanted to keep her in his life for his purposes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZQV6NjR_bI But, when Iris (the character in the movie) takes a holiday vacation, she realizes that she has essentially been the dog eating the crumbs from her imagined committed partner. As the story evolves, she realizes she is designed to be the leading lady and finally breaks up with her love interest. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1CMnZDllDU

Many women want to be the leading lady in their relationship to no avail. So, instead, many of us settle for crumbs of love, which leads to imagined crumbs of hope. These crumbs often lead to a deeper sense of loneliness and despair. We settle for being the best friend at best, or just a tool in someone’s hand. And, so again, the cycle repeats, until we are redeemed from ourselves.

Redeemed from ourselves? Now that is a thought! This feat of redemption is attempted by some through mediation, yoga, spirituality, humanness, religion, hardness of heart, etc. But, others, like myself, look to the One true and only Redeemer who consistently reminds us that He is our TRUE love and He prepares the “Boaz” of our dreams. (Read about Boaz in the Bible, Ruth 2) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPevgTJDp7E

Ladies, there is never a short cut when true love is at stake. And, settling for less than G-d’s best, usually spells disaster and emotional violence. I know this from personal experience, and from conversations with many women who have experienced crumbs of love.

Loneliness is a (fill in the blank)! Believe me, when I tell you, I know and I’ve got the first-place award! However, living with g-dly principles, and choosing G-d’s way is so worth the adventure. Has the “right one” found me…not yet. But, he’s headed my way. Can’t wait. But, in the meantime, I’m growing from G-d’s transformative lessons and hoping to encourage others in their relationships.

I’m living life and doing my best to serve G-d, family and friends. If you find yourself settling for second place in the life of a man you are dating, or befriending, and he is not interested in a commitment; stop wasting your time wishing and hoping in a fantasy. Stop settling for crumbs of hope or crumbs of love. Instead, drop and pray! Seek G-d’s comfort, counsel, and ask G-d to send His best.

What are crumbs of love or crumbs of hope? Crumbs…being involved with someone who gives you hints that there might be a future; or he does nice things, and your inference – he’s into me. Maybe he comments that you are so like the type of woman, he would like to spend the rest of his life with…you know the innuendos that men will say in order to either manipulate, or keep you in the loop to serve their purposes. Let’s be real! Men or women will do and say manipulative things to serve their narcissistic appetites, if they are not people who pant after the One and True Living G-d.

Yet, for those of us who desire to live within a covenant marriage; games, lies, manipulations, innuendos, etc. are taboo, and have no place in any loving relationship. Our Savior gave His very best…Himself for His people. This is our example! This is our true love interest!

Start 2017 loving G-d and self, and leave all crumbs for the vacuum.

#Justsaying,

Dr. Dee

Challenging Relationships

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couple on red couchRelationships can be challenging especially when goals and desires are different, and the marriage lacks love and friendship.  I guess the ultimate goal of being together in a marriage and being happy is determined by the love factor and our determination to get through difficulties which will arise.

Steve Harvey wrote a book, which states, if a man tells you “we are friends” then believe it. This statement for many women may give them the impression that more will come, and possibly more will come down the line, but maybe not. I have spoken to many people who claim their relationship started off as friends, and then they married each other. Their marriage is like being married to their best friend, and they are very happy. Others, have waited for many years for marriage to their special friend to no avail.

As I am writing this blog, I can think of at least two women who dated a man for over 20 years and they never married. Both women desired marriage, but marriage never came. In fact, one woman was with her special friend for over 21 years. They went their separate ways, he found salvation, another woman, and married his new friend within six months.

So my question, how long should a woman wait for a man to ask her to marry him? Now, I can hear many women say, why should she wait? Or, she can ask him? Hum, but, I’m of the mindset, that men should ask women. I admit, I’m old-fashioned and my thinking is based on the Bible – he who finds a wife finds a good thing and finds favor with G-d; but, I also believe, most women would prefer being asked by the love of their life, and not the other way black couplearound. Disagree? Tell me all about it. I would love to hear your opinions.

Anyway, back to my point. Relationships can be challenging, but also invigorating and wonderful. I believe it depends on the willingness of each person to give 100% of their efforts to enjoy the relationship and contribute doing their very best to be the kind of person which makes a loving and positive difference in the relationship. I believe couples have to be very best friends, in addition to being in-love, committed, loyal and G-d fearing to name just a few.

Relationships based on love, true love will stand the test of time.  Issues must  become non-issues when it comes to choosing to do what is required to work things out.  When things are fantastic, great, exciting, and new in a relationship – we know and understand how easy and glorious the flow between a couple can be.  However, when things are strained, stressful, challenging, etc., in those times, love must prevail, if the relationship is going to survive.

In case you forgot, no one is perfect, not me or you.  Therefore, what we bring to the table in a marriage is love and raloneespect, and a willingness to grow; that is, if you love someone and desire to be with them. If not, then single-hood has its advantages as many of us are well aware.  But, at the end of the day, having someone dear and special to navigate through this planet, called life, is worth the effort to be a great mate committed to love, transparency, and understanding towards their spouse.

As I have matured, I have met a lot of people with a lot of money! I mean multi-millionaires! By the way, I’m expecting my millions today in the mail! Seriously!! 

As I was saying, I have met and become acquainted with many rich people, and though their money can buy almost anything, it can’t buy happiness or a stress free marriage.  I know people who are just getting by (financially), but are extremely happy with their life-mate.

Again, my point, relationships can be challenging, but so is everything else at least some things at some point. Our choice…choose to love your spouse, because at the end of the day, we have to decide who and what is most important. As always, you decide…woman man quote

Just Musing,

Dr. Dee

Tips For Marriage Counseling Success

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FreshPaint white couple

 

 

Has your marriage hit a brick wall? Are your attempts at solving conflict seem futile? If so, then counseling may be one of your answers. However, going to marriage counseling is not just about showing up and sitting down. Counseling success is hinged on active engagement, honesty and transparency. Therefore, in order for marriage counseling to have the best chances for your success, here are some tips.

  1. List the reasons why you need to speak to a third person. Are you having communication issues, intimacy issues, financial issues, etc. Clarify and write down your reason(s) prior to your first counseling session. Be sure to interview several marriage counselors or coaches and select someone you both feel comfortable with and someone who is committed to your success. If you are a Messianic/Christian couple, select someone who has the same biblical mindset.
  2. Set goals for the marriage. For Example: we both want to save our marriage, we want to better communicate with each other, we want to respect each other’s differences, etc. Again, be clear on the reason(s) as to why you are seeking counseling. Ensure that both partners are still interested in saving the marriage, and there isn’t a desire for a separation or divorce.
  3. Commit to the process for at least 6 months to a year in order to give yourselves the full opportunity of working out issues. Sometimes issues are related to childhood baggage and/or unresolved hurts from previous relationships. Committing to the process will ensure you get to the root of the problem so healing can transpired.FreshPaint-certificate of marriage
  4. Do not threaten separation or divorce during the time of counseling to which both of you have committed. Any threats of divorce will certainly undermine the success of the counseling.
  5. Be ready to take responsibility for your part in the marriage difficulties. Be accountable and willing to ask forgiveness and work on improving self. It is essential that you are willing to change personally for the better. Think about the accusations your spouse makes consistently concerning your behavior during an argument or whenever. If those comments are the same, then consider your words and behavior, which may need to change, or attempt to understand why your response is irritated by your behavior.
  6. Do not complain or speak negatively about your spouse to others, especially during the counseling period. Give yourself the best opportunity to reconcile differences within the marriage. Sometimes, people, especially friends will interject negativity into the situation, which could include advice to leave to give up on the marriage. This will weaken the reconciliation process, if not destroy any chances of resolution. If you must speak to someone, make sure it is someone who will fully support your efforts, and desires the best for you and your spouse.
  7. Prior to meeting with your coach or counselor, do not tell your spouse what to say during your counseling sessions. Remember, the only way to healing is through complete honesty and transparency. There is no need to feel embarrassed during a session with your coach or counselor. They are there to help.
  8. Make counseling sessions and the homework a priority. Counseling is only as good as the work each person is willing to put in to grow individually and as a couple.
  9. Realize there is no over-night cure. Again, stick with your obligation to go through counseling and be willing to honestly look at your great, good and awful behaviors, commit to change, and commit to the process.black and white couple

Challenges within a marriage are par for the course. However, couples who truly love each other and are committed to each other can overcome grievances and challenges, and enjoy their lives together. Choosing someone to journey with you as a couple can be one of the answers to your difficulties. Yet, as a couple, you have to be willing to put forth the effort to heal the wounded areas in your relationship. The choice is always yours.

Just Musing,

Dr. Dee

Is yours a …Healthy, Happy, and Hearty Relationship? Part Two

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If you are on the road to nowhere, find another road. Ashanti proverb

It is worth repeating… I do not know anyone who gets in a relationship thinking, I do not want this relationship or marriage to work out. Most people I know marry with the hopes of until death does us part. However, before getting married, there are always signs, red flags or blatant halt posts many of us fail to see or choose to ignore.

In my first post, I listed five things not to do if you are interested in a healthy, happy and hearty relationship. Following are some more considerations worth eliminating from your interactions with your mate, if you want to work towards happiness.

You Fail to Treat Each Other with Kindness

One of the greatest commandments is loving your neighbor as you love yourself. Often times, we think of a neighbor as someone outside of our home. However, your spouse is your neighbor and there is nothing more important than treating the person you love with care, consideration, compassion, and appreciation. So, if you find yourself showing more kindness to people you hardly know, coworkers, and others more than you show kindness to your partner, take a step back and revisit your priorities. Treat your mate with the utmost kindness.

You Mistrust Each Other

Healthy relationships are built on trust and a commitment to communication, as well as actions without deceptive intentions. Trust is something earned, given and cultivated within a relationship. Actions which even suggest some sort of impropriety ought not have a sit within a healthy, happy and hearty relationship. Trust your mate as their actions warrant, and be worthy of their trust.

You Harbor Wrongs

Your partner will infuriate and sometimes disgust you as you well know. Your partner will sometimes be disgusted by you or your actions, and will be completely annoyed with you as well. So what. Get over it. Communicate, work out the issues at hand and do not let issues fester and infect the relationship. You choose to let wrongs go, or you choose to harbor wrongs and embrace negativity. Let it go…forgive and know that you both are perfect for each other, but imperfect people. Free yourself from hateful and unforgiving, begrudging feelings.

You Do Not Respect Each Other

Aretha Franklin, Gospel and R&B singer came out with a song in 1967 called R.E.S.P.ECT.  In Aretha Franklin’s song, she tells her Boo (man) to find out what it (respect) means to her. Respect, needless to say is vital in a relationship. Respect synonymous for admiration, esteem, deference, high regard for, in awe of, amazement, and wonderment are essential to a happy relationship. If you desire to have a happy and harmonious relationship, you must respect each other. A relationship without respect is doomed for tragic results. Respect your mate as you would love to be respected.

If you are on the road to nowhere, find another road. (Ashanti proverb) In other words, if your relationship is drowning in negativity due to harboring wrongs, disrespect, unkindness, mistrust, lack of communication, lack of intimacy, violence, etc., then ask yourself, do I really want a healthy, happy and hearty relationship? If your answer is no, then you have wasted your time reading this post. If you want to have a healthy, happy and hearty relationship, then the change you desire begins with you. Decide if you love your mate enough to do what is required to live a healthy life together. Otherwise, if you find that you do not want the relationship, love yourself and each other enough to call it a day.

Just DocsMusings,

Dr. Dee

Are you in a healthy relationship?

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I do not know anyone who gets in a relationship thinking, I do not want this relationship or marriage to work out. Most people I know marry with the hopes of until death does us part.  However, prior to getting married, there are always signs, red flags or blatant halt posts many of us fail to see or choose to ignore. Consequently, when undesirable situations arise, often times we do things to enable or worsen our relationship, even blaming the other person, instead of doing what is required to enhance the relationship or choosing to exit.

After being in more failed relationships than I choose to reveal, I am an expert on what not to do.  There are so many experts who base their advice on their practical application, work experience or textbook knowledge.  Yet, I know what does not work and here are just five of many things, which DO NOT contribute to a healthy, happy and hearty relationship.

You Fail To Speak Your Mind

Relationships flourish when couples freely and honestly express themselves without fear of repercussions. Therefore, no topic is off-limits and each person feels heard and honored even if there is respectful disagreement, i.e., agree to disagree. Consistent, respectful, honest communication is vital to building a lasting, healthy, happy and hearty relationship.  Each person must feel safe to express their thoughts. Speak your mind with respect and listen with respect.

You Lack Personal Space

Being in-love is glorious to say the least, and spending time with you mate is second to none, especially when things are going well.  Yet, taking time to pursue your own interests within the confines of a faithful relationship, keeps your relationship fresh, and gives you an opportunity to grow as a person, while growing as a couple. Time apart is vital for reflection, prayer, mediation, exercise, reading, shopping, etc. Personal space is not a weapon to segregate yourself from your partner or to punish them.  Personal space is a gift to yourself and your mate when used as a time of growth.  Personal space is vital.

You Fight Dirty

Two people decide to marry. Disagreements are inevitable and normal. However, couples in a healthy, happy, and hearty relationship fight about the issue to reach an amicable solution, as oppose to attacking each other.  Attacking each other as if I need to explain, means absolutely no violence, name-calling, put downs or even bringing up a pass incident to use as a weapon against your mate. You must agree to disagree, and you must respect each other’s right to disagree.  If you find yourself needing to apologize, apologize and do it quickly.  Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. Fighting Dirty is not an option.

You Expect Your Partner To Change

Keep your eyes wide open when you are dating and see the reality of the individual standing on the opposite side of your relationship.  You must reconcile within yourself that those things you hate or dislike about the other person are ALSO part of what you adore about that person. Please, do not base a marriage on the hope that the other person will change or that some circumstance will change them.  You must come to the realization that the person is perfect for you, (or not) but not a perfect person.  Therefore, accept each other’s great, good, and not-so-good, and value them for who that are right now. You can only change you.

You Do Not Enjoy Each Other

Healthy, happy and hearty relationships are full of laughter and fun. Relationships filled with laughter, humor, fun, doing things together in large and simple ways is fundamental for the well-being of one’s relationship.  Obviously, happiness and giddiness will not be the menu every moment of everyday. However, the converse is true as well. Relationships full of strife, tension, and rigidity are damaging indications, which suggest you are with a negative person.  Take my counsel… flee, run and do not look back, because only continual misery will find you in the mist of relationship possibly never meant to be. Find joy in each other.

Most importantly, if you truly love each other, you will do what is required to find health, happiness and maintain a hearty relationship.  All relationships equipped in true love, faithfulness, honesty and transparency are destined until death does them part. Still, being mindful, watchful and prayerful prior to a commitment will help put couples on a positive trajectory considering the few points mentioned. The choice is always ours, choose wisely. Feast on these points and look for more ways that do not make for a health, happy and hearty relationship.

Doc’s Musings,

Dr. Dee

Holiday Discovery

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Recently, I watched one of my favorite movies, The Holiday. This movie is about two women from different parts of the world whose relationships have gone awry. In an effort to get over their lovers, they switched houses and their new journeys began.  Iris, one of the main characters was in love and involved with her co-worker for over three years.  Though their relationship had endured many twists and turns, she never expected the surprised announcement at the company Christmas Party.  Her beau got engaged to another woman on staff!  Talk about a shocker!  Needless to say, Iris was devastated. Her heartbreak led her to accept the offer of Amanda (the other main character) whose live-in male friend had an affair with his co-worker. Both women, victims of cheating male counter-parts embarked on a healing journey.

Iris finally realized during her new adventure that her addictive love towards her co-worker was pathetic, tragic and unproductive.  Her beau (Jasper) refused to love her and he used Iris for his sexual self-interest and his career advancements.  Iris blinded by her love for Jasper failed to see the role she played in her own heartbreak, until after her holiday quest. In the end, she realized through her new friendships and self-discovery that she had been the best friend with benefits, instead of the leading lady.

This movie reminded me of myself and the mistakes I have made in relationships.  Often times I believe we (many of us) see what we want to see, and fail to see or accept the reality of toxic relationships.  Like Iris, I have been in-love with a man who failed or would not love me back. And, rather than move on, somehow like Iris, I justified hanging in there to my own detriment.  My experiences have taught me valuable lessons I can now pass on to anyone with an ear to hear.

The most powerful line in the movie suggested that she was playing the role of a best friend when really she was or should have been the leading lady.  This rang so true, because I believe sometimes, we as women think we are the leading lady in the romance of our life, when in fact the opposite is true.  In your beau’s mind you may just be a friend, at the most, a best friend, but simply a friend.  If a man only wants sex in private, but fails to recognize you in public, awake O’sleeper and flee! (Read: Steve Harvey’s book – Think like a Man and Act like a Lady).  Wow, so how can we move from a pathetic relationship?

First and foremost, it is always about loving self, if you do not believe in the Creator.  Otherwise, after your committed love for Him, then we are to love ourselves.  How can we love ourselves and then another, if we do not love G-d and understand respect and honor?  Knowing one’s desires based on spiritual principles, hopes, desires, and goals are the beginning steps to knowing your worth and then conducting yourself accordingly.  To compromise yourself or settle for something that is contrary to your basic core is a disaster waiting to happen.  Love yourself enough to be willing to let go of a toxic relationship. Love yourself enough to know you are worthy to have a relationship with someone who will love, honor and respect you back.

love quoteSo often, I hear women say there are no good men out there, or no one will love them, or all the good men are gone, or I’m not pretty, smart, skinny, whatever enough. Stop it! You are all you believe you are, and if you are thinking negatively about yourself you will draw a negative no-good man in your life.  Many men treat women exactly the way they allow them to be treated. Many people in general treat people in ways that we allow.  If we want respect, we have to give and demand respect back.  If we want to be the leading lady in our beau’s life, we have to be the leading lady and not accept anything less.

We need and desire friends – at least I do! I enjoy the company of both men and women friends.  Life without people I can enjoy and confide in outside of my family would be miserable.  However, being the first and leading lady in a relationship which could lead to a commitment/marriage is a different matter, and should not be confused by a best friend with benefits affair.

Proverbs 31:10-31 spells out the ideal leading lady. The woman in this biblical verse is far beyond that of pearls and is extremely capable, intelligent and industrious.  She understands her self-worth, and she is honored and adored by her husband and children.  She manages her business affairs, her household and enjoys her days.  She demands respect, because she exemplifies a woman of character, love and spirituality.  She is a super woman!

So what is my point? We ought not to underestimate ourselves and give away our dignity and love to a man who is unworthy of our love, because he refuses to love us back.  We should be mindful of being a wife to a man who only wants to gratify his selfish needs.  Instead, expect the man of your dreams to honor you as the leading lady and treat you as such.  Expect love and commitment and do not settle for someone who has baggage from his previous relationship(s) or other life challenges.  Do what is required to free yourself from a toxic relationship or toxic thinking.

What is toxic thinking? Toxic thinking is steeped in negative affirmations about yourself, your situation, life in general, and the belief that nothing good will EVER happen to you.  Therefore, you feel compelled to take whatever you can get.  Toxic thinking and behavior allows us to blindly go along with the flow of a bad relationship until something shocking wakes us from our slumber.  Toxic thinking like so many others things is a choice.  Choose to believe the best for yourself and have faith that good things and/or a great relationship is for you.  Great relationships happen in real life too, not just the movies.

Great relationships begin with being what your desire. Work on loving and respecting yourself as the awesome woman G-d has designed, and then expect the highest form of good in your life. Holiday Discovery is letting go of the negative and embracing the positive experiences of the present. So, what will you choose and what actions will you take? 

 

Just Musing!

Dr. Dee

Interested in learning more about ridding yourself of toxic thinking? Let me recommend, Dr. Caroline’s Leaf book: Switch On Your Brain. I would love to hear your thoughts on this book.