Tag Archives: Grief

One heart beat at a time…

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To say that life has been challenging would be a tremendous understatement! My emotions are all over the place…up, down, sad, excited, thrilled, overwhelmed, annoyed, ecstatic, depressed…all at once with many other emotions as well. I am not sure if I am navigating or just getting by; or if I am being pushed or led and/or all of the above.

If you have read any of my previous posts, you know that my youngest adult son, Aaron died on October 19, 2024 – suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack. He dropped and died walking with his fiancee early that morning at a local park. To say, my heart was broken and devastated fails to speak to my dismay. 

However, in my grief then and now, the hand of ABBA is very evident and provides the comfort I need to continue on the path of healing. Writing to you, helps as well, though I may never hear words of condolences. I miss him every day and think of him all throughout the day, and oftentimes mask my grief behind smiles to keep others around me comfortable. 

I have noticed that sometimes people are uncomfortable with a grieving mom and I truly understand. I am uncomfortable as a grieving mom, but this is my burden to bear as Yeshua heals my heart, one beat at a time.

On the flip side, I was recently married to a wonderful man who has proven his love and commitment to me over and over again. I couldn’t ask for a better husband and devoted companion. We have shared troubled histories, but we have found true love in each other.

Briefly, we met about a year ago, and got engaged about 6 months into the relationship. He is well liked by my family, friends, my Rabbi and folks from my worship community. He is my dream come true as I have struggled to believe that G-D would bless me with a wonderful man given my history. I am grateful and look forward to an adventurous and happy life in the sunset years of our lives.

So, in addition to my deep sadness over the loss of my son, I am extremely happy to be with my b’sheirt (soulmate) in a loving relationship. 

So my dilemma …. I am so very happy and so very sad. Most days these feelings are compartmentalized, but other days one extreme overrides the other and feelings of guilt on both ends attempts to raise its guilty head.

Yeah, so I’m human and the struggle is real! But, G-D, creator of the Universe through Yeshua the anchor of my soul, is my steadfast path to healing and salvation one heart beat at a time!

Just saying, 

Dr. Dee

My Last Born…

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My beloved son, Aaron Nathanael Thompson June 15, 1989 to October 19, 2024

It is 1:53 AM in Central Europe where I am currently staying, and I am particularly sad and missing my son, Aaron. There are so many things I miss about him, but I think the greatest thing I miss is his authenticity. 

He was flawed like the rest of us, but he admitted his mistakes and attempted to grow and get better. He was extremely intelligent and would often send me texts or videos about something he learned or found interesting. Aaron was a deep thinker and did not take things at face value. He challenged the status quo and desired to make a creative difference.

It has been a little over two months since his death and oftentimes it still seems unreal. Lately, I I have felt lonely in addition to sadness because he isn’t on this side of Heaven. Sometimes the silence of his absence is deafening and my soul silently weeps even when surrounded by others.

Someone sent me a song which speaks to my mood at this moment, and the lyrics contain the phrases, I wish heaven had visiting hours…If I could visit, I would ask if I could bring you home, but I know the answer and it would be best for you to stay. This is my heart right now.  I appreciate the time G-D allowed me to serve as his mom and the time He allowed Aaron to spend with his family, especially his teenage son.

Learn from death…to love people while you can and tell them that you love them, even when they act in unlovable ways. I wish I had told my son every single day or at least every single time we spoke or texted that I loved him. 

Dee

Grateful…

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Today, November 28, 2024 is my first Thanksgiving Holiday living in a different country and not spending it with family, especially my son, Aaron. Aaron suddenly passed away a little over a month ago at the time of this writing and there have been major changes in my life. To say that his death has been a major shift in my entire being is a tragic understatement. I am experiencing so many emotions all at once that many moments throughout the day I do not recognize myself, feel G-D or even care about the things and events around me.

My beloved son, Aaron Nathanael Thompson - June 15, 1989 to October 19, 2024

Yet, on the other hand, planned before he died, I am engaged and living in Europe. I am elated about my new life’s adventure and realize this is the path G-D has for me, but I am very sad about my son’s passing and life’s journey without him. Very sad and very happy all at once…go figure!

My son was so many things; very intelligent, complex, deep-thinker, athletic, fearless, creative and bold. However, like all of us, he wasn’t perfect, but he worked on being his best self. He had a relationship with ABBA and I learned many things from Him. I cherish his memory and again, I am grateful to have served as his mom.

His sudden death took all of us by surprise. Yet, I had a knowing when I moved back to GA and purchased a home large enough for him and his family to live with me. Since, his death, I have disposed of all of my things and put my home up for sale without thought or regret.

There are so many things I would like to share with you, but for now, the most important thoughts I have are centered around how grateful I am to have been his mom and a couple of blessings that were realized after his death.

First of all, he indicated on his driver’s license that he wanted to be an organ donor. I had no idea, and as I toiled with honoring his wishes, I was counseled that his desires were an act of kindness. Aaron had been a recipient from an organ donor as a baby and in his death he could give back. I chose to honor his wishes.

Our family had been estranged for a few years and in his death there was reconciliation, harmony and joy. People stepped up in many ways to provide comfort, support, financial gifts, help and more. All the love shown during my son’s passing was very much appreciated. 

So even during my pain of grief, I can be grateful for the time G-D allowed Aaron to grace my/our lives and I can rejoice in the memories we shared. So much more…but for now, Shalom.

In Him,

Dee

Too well loved to be forgotten… My beloved son, Aaron Nathanael Thompson – June 15, 1989 to October 19, 2024

Can’t do FEAR…

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In response to the shooting at STEM School in CO, May 7, 2019.

Yesterday a friend from CA asked if I was afraid to go to work everyday. Did I worry about shooters at my school? My response… No! Occasionally the thought may come across my mind, but I do not wake up and asked myself, “Will I be shot today or will one of my students, co-workers, etc. be a victim or a perpetrator? No! At the end of the day, my coming, going and/or staying is in the protection of G-D.

I can’t and will not carry the burden of worrying about someone viciously attacking me or my students, or (my children or grandchildren) each day! If I did this, I would not be an effective teacher. I would go crazy without a ticket back to sanity!

Needless to say, I am extremely sadden by the attack on our youth. I am grieved by yet… another shooting… another fatal victim… other victims who have endured physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological trauma. Each school shooting shatters our community in negatively immeasurable ways… nationwide with a long road to some semblance of recovery. As an educator my heart aches, my heart doesn’t comprehend.

As a mom and grandma, I can’t imagine the horrific grief of his parents, grandparents and others who loved and will miss him. My prayers and sincere condolences go out to them! He was a Superhero … no greater love than a man who would lay his life down for another. Someone else did this for us! Someone greater and waiting for all to call upon Him.

Just saying,

Dr. Dee