Tag Archives: Grief

One Year Ago…

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One year blew away and where did the time go! I spent time at the cemetery on my son’s first anniversary, (October 19) of his death. And though my heart is settling, it still seems surreal. Every day I think and mourn the death of my son, especially because he isn’t here for his son. But, I hold onto the promises of G-D believing I will see him again and that helps as I grieve his passing.

While in the US, I also had a chance to see family. Family that was estranged for a lengthy period of time, but Aaron’s death has brought us closer together, and for that I am forever grateful. So much has changed since his death, not just his physical absence, but even the way I view life and ultimately my own passing.

red petal flower
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I have a vigor and hope in the L-RD like never before. I am grateful to ABBA for the work He is doing in my life and those around me who are like-minded about the coming Kingdom of the L-RD. I have several g-dly people in my life that have comforted and encouraged, as well as admonished me this past year; and for all of them I am extremely thankful. 

As a mother, the death of a child is something I would not wish on my worst enemy. The pain, regret, deep sorrow, loneliness, and agony are emotionally devastating and overwhelming to say the least.  Yet, in my heart brokenness, ABBA has comforted me and continues to bring comfort and peace when my heart weeps. I am learning to live with the pain and not let the loss of my son hinder my growth in the L-RD. My grief has strengthened my faith in Yeshua though that may sound strange to some. 

Death on this side of Heaven is the result of sin and we all must meet the death-stranger someday. However, death is not the end, if we are in Messiah, Yeshua! Death is just slipping into eternity to be with Him. We can be grateful for the saving mercy of our Savior.

a marker and thought bubbles
If I could talk to Aaron…
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So, if I could speak with Aaron right now or see him for a moment, I would say… I love and miss you son so very much, and I can’t wait to see and spend time with you again. I thank G-D for the years He allowed you to be here with us. I carry you in my heart daily. I miss our talks, texts, fun outings, your barbecue :0) and even our squabbles. I am grateful that I got to be your mom. And, by the way Aaron, your son is doing okay. You would be proud of him.

The pain of losing Aaron is deeper that I can express, but the hope of Glory in Yeshua keeps me anchored as a child of ADONAI.

To all the moms and dads that have lost a child or children, I beg you to seek our Heavenly Father. To boldly take your pain to Him in prayer. He has promised to be near the broken-hearted. (Ps 34:18) Seek Him for comfort and peace. Refuse to get stuck in hopelessness, despair and anger, but be grateful for the time G-D allowed your child to be on this side of heaven. Trust Him, the Savior (sometimes hard), as you endure the suffering of loss. Honor Him and your beloved child (children) by staying under His covering and loving care.

Praise ABBA in all things!

Dr. Dee

Struggling Daily…

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Since the death of my son, I haven’t felt like myself. I don’t recognize myself most days and some days I just feel like I am floating through waiting for my turn. Parts of me died with him, but parts of me resurrected with a new vigor for the L-RD. I embrace this new vigor for the L-RD.

Since the death of my son, I think about him and all our family members who have preceded me, and I wonder how they are doing and what they are doing. I miss them so much and of course wish we could have a chat. I know, I can’t talk to them or see them other than within my mind’s eye, but like a child I wish I could. 

Since my son’s death, many things have changed…some for the good, and conversely not so good. I am still wrestling with the timing of his death and his absence from our lives. My grandson just started high school, and I know my son Aaron wanted to be part of his high school years. From my limited perspective, I have difficulty understanding why G-D took Aaron at this time. I could say more, but…

brown sand
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My point, no matter how much we say we love and trust G-D, I believe, in our human bodies we struggle with G-D’s timing and His will sometimes. And like Paul who wrote most of the letters in the B’rit Hadashah (New Testament)…paraphrased…that which I should do, I don’t do and that which I do, I should not do. Romans 7:13-25.

So, to sum up my dilemma as I am growing through my grieving…who can save me? Who can heal my broken heart? Who can forgive my plethora of sins and grievous acts? Who can restore my shalom and so I can hear the sound of joy and gladness? Who can create a clean heart within me and a resolute spirit? Who can rescue me? Thanks be to G-D, our ABBA (HE WILL/HE CAN) – through Yeshua our Messiah, our L-RD, whom I love, believe in and pledge my allegiance to.

Know my struggle is real like many who have lost a child (children). The pain has not subsided, but maybe that’s the point…to grow my dependence, hope and faith in the L-RD. 

Like the tide of the ocean that comes on the shore and quickly recedes; such is life.

Strained, Stretched, Struggling

Dr. Dee

A few Scriptures worth pondering: Jonah 2:9, Acts 4:12, Ezekiel 36:26, Titus 3:5

In the midst of sadness…

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On my son’s recent birthday it was a difficult day to breathe and keep a happy face for others. Most of the time, I feel as if no one understands my deep sorrow or even cares to hear about my deepest pain.  But even during my grief and sorrow, I am grateful to G-D, HaShem who has chosen to deliver me/us through Yeshua, if we pledge our allegiance and love to Him. I am grateful for the time I had with my son, and I am grateful to have been his mom. I am also grateful for his son who is growing into a godly young man and we communicate often.

blue present
A Special Gift
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Yet, in the midst of my sadness, I looked forward to spending time with my grandchildren this summer. They are here with us! They are so full of life, love and energy. They are a reminder of why even during our grief, we can experience happiness and fun. This morning we had a wonderful Bible study and I was grateful for the opportunity to intentionally invest in them. My prayer…they will remember the words of the L-RD and act accordingly all their days and know that I loved and cherished them very much. 

Therefore, let me encourage you…love others like they are a gift from above for today maybe the last day you will see or speak to them. Be kind to those who pass your way, and every day pray and ask G-D through His son Yeshua, empowered by His Holy Spirit to lead you into His perfect will even when it is hard. Ask G-D to help you to always be the best version of Him as you navigate this life, so that others will be drawn to Him.

Remember: 1 Peter 1:24 – For all humanity is like grass, all its glory is like a wildflower —
the grass withers, and the flower falls off; 25  but the Word of Adonai lasts forever.

Love today…tomorrow may not come.

Growing in Him,

Dr. Dee

A midst in time…

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You don’t even know if you will be alive tomorrow! For all you are is a mist that appears for a little while and then disappears. James 4:14 CJB

Oh, how true! The sudden and unexpected death of my son has struck my heart in many ways and sorrowfully emphasized the truth of G-D’s Word.

The sunny morning of October 19, 2024 was a typical Saturday morning until about 8:45 AM. Just a quick overview: My son and his fiance went for a hike up Stone Mountain in the park where he collapsed and died (unconfirmed) of a heart attack. According to his fiance’, she caught his head before he hit the ground, no pain, no words, just one tear streaming down his cheek. 

Aaron’s last steps…

In the short video clip of him walking prior to his death, there is no indication that he was going to die in moments after the filming. In the clip, he is saying that they needed to pace themselves because it was going to be a long walk. He looked amazing in the video, so full of life, handsome and smiling. 

The day before his death, we spoke briefly in the kitchen and we had plans to have a family dinner either Sunday or Monday before I was scheduled to fly to Europe. But, everything changed when the phone call came that he had collapsed. I immediately jumped out of bed starting praying and texting all the believers I knew would pray, as well as the leader of the Community I belong to. 

My fiance and I rushed to get where we needed to be to see about Aaron. Once we arrived at the hospital he wasn’t there though he should have been. I “knew” in my heart something wasn’t right. Why was it taking the ambulance so long to get to the hospital? I believe he had died already. 

Once he got there, they attempted to revive him, and for a split moment we thought he was coming back when the doctor said they had a slight pulse, but the pulse soon disappeared and the doctor called it. As they were working on him I saw some of their work and there was such numbness coming over me that I can’t really explain. His fiance’ was with me the whole time and endured the loss of her future husband.  

But, as a believer I felt inadequate and disappointed that my “faith”, prayers and the prayers of others did not bring Aaron back to this side of heaven. We hear miraculous stories of near death experiences, people coming back from the dead, etc., and though I wish Aaron was still here, I realize that each person’s days are numbered. [Psalms 90:12; 139;16]. But, there is still that wishing, should-of, and more.. that I am still grappling with each day.

My heart is still broken and I still want … but obviously, not my will but the L-RD’s. So much more to say, but this is all I can muster for now.

Loving the L-RD, Yeshua and missing my son,

DD

My Birthday…

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I am sitting in our home looking out the window and reflecting on my recent birthday. This is the first birthday without my son in 36 years. Regardless of my whereabouts, he would either text and call and/or we would spend time together. On my last birthday, in March 2024, we went to the gun range and then we shared a meal. My grandson and my son’s fiancee joined us. We had a great time. So, needless to say, I have been thinking and missing Aaron a lot. 

grilled chicken on black charcoal grill
Photo by Mouktik Joshi on Pexels.com

I am still grabbling with Aaron’s passing, but I sense I’m moving forward and not getting stuck in my grief. It is easy to just get stuck, and there are days when I can barely do anything. I recently reconnected with a friend whose son died suddenly some years ago and talking to her has been comforting. In G-D’s word, we are told not to grieve as those that do not have hope, i.e., hope in the resurrection. My hope in the resurrection is to see Messiah first, my son and other family members, as well as others; and to dwell in the House of the L-RD forever. 

13 Now, brothers, we want you to know the truth about those who have died; otherwise, you might become sad the way other people 14 do who have nothing to hope for. For since we believe that Yeshua died and rose again, we also believe that in the same way G-D, through Yeshua, will take with him those who have died. 15 When we say this, we base it on the L-RD’s own word: we who remain alive when the L_RD comes will certainly not take precedence over those who have died. 16 For the L-RD himself will come down from heaven with a rousing cry, with a call from one of the ruling angels, and with G-D’s shofar; those who died united with the Messiah will be the first to rise; 17 then we who are left still alive will be caught up with them in the clouds to meet the L-RD in the air; and thus we will always be with the L-RD. 18 So encourage each other with these words. (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18)

That’s it for now.

In Him,

Dr. Dee

Why me?

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Suffering usually brings about the question – WHY ME? As believers, our response to suffering ought to be why not me? Yeshua said we would suffer and we would have trials and tribulations in this realm. But, what about…

If you have read any of my previous posts, you know that my youngest adult son, Aaron passed away on October 19, 2024. And, as I have mentioned before, my healing is one heart beat at a time. Some days are better than other days. Today is a pretty good day. It is a gorgeous sunny day in Europe, quietness blankets the neighborhood and I’m not crying as I am writing this post.

Earlier today, I was thinking about why me, why did my son have to die and I started to weep, but in the next moment I thought…why not me, for Yeshua said I would suffer in this life, (paraphrased). Yeshua died and His mom wept as did His Father. So does that make suffering less painful or easier? You know the answer, but it should give us some comfort and perspective. I’m not there yet.

dramatic landscape of island geological rift
Photo by Jan Schwebel on Pexels.com

My son’s death has been the hardest emotional earthquake I have ever known. I have had many emotional storms and losses throughout my life. The passing of other family members though devastating hasn’t compared to the losing of my son. Previous failed relationships though hurtful and disappointing, again no comparison. Divorce, loss of material wealth, Covid, surgery, sickness, all seem inconsequential to his passing. Yet, his death is a cross I have to bear for the rest of my life. I’m figuring I will get past the devastation of his death, but I will always carry him in my heart and I will always love and miss my son.

Aaron would not want me to be as sad as I am. I can hear his voice in my head, Ma relax, I’m good. I’m working on that part as well, i.e., trying to relax – be at peace! Aaron used to tell me that we (believers) do not have a clue as to how much G-D truly loves us, so I have to believe he, Aaron is with the L-RD. And, yes, I believe Yeshua loves us, but some days when I am really sad and feeling isolated, I want to feel the love of the Father and see His face. I desire a big hug from the L-RD! 

I realize there are some of you who have also lost a child or children and your hearts are broken as well. I know the pain. I pray in some small way, my sharing will bring some sense of something. I don’t even have a word for something, but hopefully you get it. 

In Psalm 34:18, it reads, The L-RD is close to the brokenhearted. For those of us who have lost children or a loved one, let us be comforted by this Scripture. And, when we doubt this to be true, let’s seek ABBA for confirmation and peace.

So, during my times of suffering…why not me? I deserve suffering. I’m no better than the next person, but I’m grateful for HIS promise of comfort, love and Shalom. 

It’s a pretty good day!

Dr. Dee

You can’t make this stuff up…

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Today, we went to the cemetery to visit the graveside of my husband’s sister, and while there, the graveside in front of her belonged to a baby named “Aron” from the year 2023 – 2024.

On the way home, I asked my husband what was the date of his sister’s death…October 17, 2017. My son died on October 19, 2025. His sister’s death was seven years prior to Aaron’s and as a couple, we have only been together for 13 months. Seven means completion in the Bible. Interesting…

While at the cemetery, I managed a prayer and sensed again gratitude for G-D giving us 16 extra years with Aaron. The tombstone of the year old baby was a stark reminder of G-D’s blessing us with additional time. I also felt as if “Aaron” had followed me to Europe. In that moment of praying, looking up at the cloudy skies and the tombstone in front of me, I sensed I am where I am supposed to be.

I know to some it may seem like just a coincidence, but in G-D there are no coincidences…for He orders our steps. Of course I don’t know what it all means, but to me it certainly seemed like a G-D moment and my heart was deeply touched.

We often look for G-D in huge miraculous events and we fail to notice Him constantly through all the ways He makes His presence known in our lives daily. His comfort in our times of need can be unique. Since Aaron’s death I seem to notice Him more and more in everyday situations and people. I am also more keenly aware when He isn’t there.

Losing my son has been one of the hardest emotional journeys I have had to endure. It is a journey that is not my choice. I can’t articulate the hurt, regret, longing, and more. One day I’m feeling okay even with my thoughts of him. The next day or even on the same day, I am overwhelmed with sadness and wish I could just text, chat or see him. I have so many things I still want to share with Aaron.

And, so my heart keeps beating and I keep reaching out to ABBA to help me navigate this journey. He has promised to be near the broken hearted. My heart is broken.

The L-RD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

All praise goes to G-D, Father of our L-RD Yeshua, the Anointed One. He is the Father of compassion, the G-D of all comfort. He consoles us as we endure the pain and hardship of life so that we may draw from His comfort and share it with others in their own struggles.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
red paper heart ripped in half on dark background broken heart separation concept
Photo by Marta Nogueira on Pexels.com

One heart beat at a time,

Dr. Dee

Our Fatal Disease…

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Are you prepared to die? Most of us live unprepared for death. We say we want to go to Heaven to be with the L-RD, but we don’t want to die. Or some may think by default, we will all be in Heaven someday…even if we have to endure purgatory for a while. But is that what the Scriptures suggest?

Since my son, Aaron passed away, I have been consumed with his death and those of my loved ones, Heaven and my own pending death. As a believer, we say we want the L-RD to come and we want to be with the L-RD, but do we really? Do we really want to leave this life on earth and be with Him or is this just religious babble? Do we really want to go to Heaven and live with the Creator and enjoy the plans He has for us that love Him, and if so what are we doing about it?

I can confess to you that prior to my son’s death, especially when I was younger, I cringed at the thought of being raptured/dying and leaving my children or not having the opportunity to accomplish my dreams, goals or see them grow. I worried about my kids’ salvation or them being stuck on this planet; and all the other things that weigh down a mother’s heart. So even if I said, L-RD please come, honestly, I am not sure I truly meant it at the time in the depths of my heart.

However, since my son has passed, and I am living in my golden years, I am consumed with Heaven. Even prior to his death, I read numerous stories about NDE’s (near death experiences) which I found intriguing as well as comforting. Yet, there has been a shifting that has occurred in my soul that I cannot logically describe or really understand myself. So many things I thought were important seem so insignificant. I see the Creator in nature and others more than ever before, and long to be with Him. And though I love my husband, family and friends desperately, they cannot comfort, heal or save me from my grief or ultimate terminal disease called death.

I admit I am frail and weak. The weakness and frailty I have walked in has caused much grief and pain. This is something I truly regret. However, G-D in his provision has provided me (all of us) with a way for redemption…Yeshua. Yeshua has provided redemption for everyone. Being a believer in Yeshua first begins with faith in what He did on the Cross for our salvation in this life and the life to come. Then the rest is growing in Him. When we have pledged our allegiance to Him, this is our preparation for death.

sea of clouds during sunset
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Growing and trusting is working out our salvation. Being a believer is work…not works to get redeemed, but works (following His commandments) because we are redeemed. We are only redeemed/saved by His Grace. As we grow in faith and live out our faith in Yeshua, we will experience love, joy, shalom, be an example for others, as well as suffer various disappointments and challenges. But, irrespective of our condition as we journey through life, if we love and trust the L-RD, HE promises to never forsake us or leave us. 

As human beings we all have a fatal and inoperable disease, called death. We can’t run or hide when the time comes for us to exit this earth.  So the question remains, are you prepared to die? 

In Him,

Dr. Dee

Focus on the blessings…

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Over three months since Aaron’s passing and it still seems surreal and yet, final on this side of Heaven. So much has happened since his death and so many blessings have happened that I can’t name them all. Most people have been very kind, loving and generous, and for that I am extremely grateful! Yet, there have been some negative comments as well, which have stained my soul very deeply.

As a mother, we do the best we can with what we know and what we have. Most of us love our children desperately and attempt to provide for them beyond what we were given as children. This provision goes way beyond just material things, but emotional, spiritual nurturing and protection. However, as our children grow, they take their upbringing and their life experiences and become the adults they choose to be. We are all like this. We do the best we can to live this life, especially if we love the L-RD.

man on boat under blue sky
Aaron loved kayaking Photo by Jamie H on Pexels.com

We should be careful in our criticism of others. I often face this challenge. It is even more important with criticism of deceased ones who can’t defend themselves. Criticism is seeped in negative, evil, vile, and biased judgment of others. This observation may be based on gossip, disdain, or limited observations. Even if the criticism is accurate, we place ourselves in a position to be criticized and condemned by our Savior when we choose to condemn, criticize and convict others. Normally, what we recognize in others are the very traits we possess…good or bad.

Remember that scripture in Matthew 7:3-5? 

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

The caveat to this Scripture…we will never see clearly because we are all flawed as human beings. Let us be mindful of our criticism of others and seek the L-RD’s guidance in counseling or relating to others. Consider some of the biblical great characters in the Bible. They were all flawed and failed, and needed the L-RD just like each of us.

As humans, we often find ourselves with negative thoughts about others, even ourselves. This is not good. I’m thinking that we ought to focus on seeing the best in ourselves and each other. We ought to focus on working out our salvation. I’m thinking we ought to focus on the blessings. I believe we should let the dead rest. We should think about the good and happy memories we shared while they were living. I’m also thinking that negative commentary about one’s deceased loved one causes additional hurt. It cruelly adds pain to a grieving mother. It also hurts anyone grieving the loss of a loved one. Like mama use to say, if you can’t say something nice then shut the h**l up!

goat with big horn
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Needless to say, I loved my son beyond what words I share or actions I take. His presence is gone from this place, and it saddens me. I have lost contact with him for now. His absence is a gaping hole in my life. It is also a gaping hole in the life of others who loved him very much. I am also distraught that his teenage son will have to navigate this life without his dad. Yet, I am grateful that my grandson has a wonderful mom and other loving family members to support him. They are his ram in the bush. 

Today, I am rambling and musing. Today, my heart cries loudly within. I truly miss my son! It was not my will or desire for my son to die at this time…but not my will but the L-RD’s! Death is the stranger we all must meet and there is no way we can avoid it. I wish we had more time together. I am eternally grateful for the time I had with my son, Aaron. Thank you L-RD!

Thank you ABBA for the gift of Aaron…for You give life, and You take it away. Thank you for the love you show us through others and your answers to our prayers. Thank you for all of your blessings. Thank you for our enemies, because they inadvertently point us back to you as our only daily and eternal hope. Thank you for the gift of Yeshua – my faith and hope for eternal salvation. Thank you for the hope to see my son Aaron again.  I have only lost contact with him for now!

Thank you L-RD!

Dr. Dee

One heart beat at a time…

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To say that life has been challenging would be a tremendous understatement! My emotions are all over the place…up, down, sad, excited, thrilled, overwhelmed, annoyed, ecstatic, depressed…all at once with many other emotions as well. I am not sure if I am navigating or just getting by; or if I am being pushed or led and/or all of the above.

If you have read any of my previous posts, you know that my youngest adult son, Aaron died on October 19, 2024 – suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack. He dropped and died walking with his fiancee early that morning at a local park. To say, my heart was broken and devastated fails to speak to my dismay. 

However, in my grief then and now, the hand of ABBA is very evident and provides the comfort I need to continue on the path of healing. Writing to you, helps as well, though I may never hear words of condolences. I miss him every day and think of him all throughout the day, and oftentimes mask my grief behind smiles to keep others around me comfortable. 

I have noticed that sometimes people are uncomfortable with a grieving mom and I truly understand. I am uncomfortable as a grieving mom, but this is my burden to bear as Yeshua heals my heart, one beat at a time.

On the flip side, I was recently married to a wonderful man who has proven his love and commitment to me over and over again. I couldn’t ask for a better husband and devoted companion. We have shared troubled histories, but we have found true love in each other.

Briefly, we met about a year ago, and got engaged about 6 months into the relationship. He is well liked by my family, friends, my Rabbi and folks from my worship community. He is my dream come true as I have struggled to believe that G-D would bless me with a wonderful man given my history. I am grateful and look forward to an adventurous and happy life in the sunset years of our lives.

So, in addition to my deep sadness over the loss of my son, I am extremely happy to be with my b’sheirt (soulmate) in a loving relationship. 

So my dilemma …. I am so very happy and so very sad. Most days these feelings are compartmentalized, but other days one extreme overrides the other and feelings of guilt on both ends attempts to raise its guilty head.

Yeah, so I’m human and the struggle is real! But, G-D, creator of the Universe through Yeshua the anchor of my soul, is my steadfast path to healing and salvation one heart beat at a time!

Just saying, 

Dr. Dee