Tag Archives: love

Are you in a healthy relationship?

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I do not know anyone who gets in a relationship thinking, I do not want this relationship or marriage to work out. Most people I know marry with the hopes of until death does us part.  However, prior to getting married, there are always signs, red flags or blatant halt posts many of us fail to see or choose to ignore. Consequently, when undesirable situations arise, often times we do things to enable or worsen our relationship, even blaming the other person, instead of doing what is required to enhance the relationship or choosing to exit.

After being in more failed relationships than I choose to reveal, I am an expert on what not to do.  There are so many experts who base their advice on their practical application, work experience or textbook knowledge.  Yet, I know what does not work and here are just five of many things, which DO NOT contribute to a healthy, happy and hearty relationship.

You Fail To Speak Your Mind

Relationships flourish when couples freely and honestly express themselves without fear of repercussions. Therefore, no topic is off-limits and each person feels heard and honored even if there is respectful disagreement, i.e., agree to disagree. Consistent, respectful, honest communication is vital to building a lasting, healthy, happy and hearty relationship.  Each person must feel safe to express their thoughts. Speak your mind with respect and listen with respect.

You Lack Personal Space

Being in-love is glorious to say the least, and spending time with you mate is second to none, especially when things are going well.  Yet, taking time to pursue your own interests within the confines of a faithful relationship, keeps your relationship fresh, and gives you an opportunity to grow as a person, while growing as a couple. Time apart is vital for reflection, prayer, mediation, exercise, reading, shopping, etc. Personal space is not a weapon to segregate yourself from your partner or to punish them.  Personal space is a gift to yourself and your mate when used as a time of growth.  Personal space is vital.

You Fight Dirty

Two people decide to marry. Disagreements are inevitable and normal. However, couples in a healthy, happy, and hearty relationship fight about the issue to reach an amicable solution, as oppose to attacking each other.  Attacking each other as if I need to explain, means absolutely no violence, name-calling, put downs or even bringing up a pass incident to use as a weapon against your mate. You must agree to disagree, and you must respect each other’s right to disagree.  If you find yourself needing to apologize, apologize and do it quickly.  Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. Fighting Dirty is not an option.

You Expect Your Partner To Change

Keep your eyes wide open when you are dating and see the reality of the individual standing on the opposite side of your relationship.  You must reconcile within yourself that those things you hate or dislike about the other person are ALSO part of what you adore about that person. Please, do not base a marriage on the hope that the other person will change or that some circumstance will change them.  You must come to the realization that the person is perfect for you, (or not) but not a perfect person.  Therefore, accept each other’s great, good, and not-so-good, and value them for who that are right now. You can only change you.

You Do Not Enjoy Each Other

Healthy, happy and hearty relationships are full of laughter and fun. Relationships filled with laughter, humor, fun, doing things together in large and simple ways is fundamental for the well-being of one’s relationship.  Obviously, happiness and giddiness will not be the menu every moment of everyday. However, the converse is true as well. Relationships full of strife, tension, and rigidity are damaging indications, which suggest you are with a negative person.  Take my counsel… flee, run and do not look back, because only continual misery will find you in the mist of relationship possibly never meant to be. Find joy in each other.

Most importantly, if you truly love each other, you will do what is required to find health, happiness and maintain a hearty relationship.  All relationships equipped in true love, faithfulness, honesty and transparency are destined until death does them part. Still, being mindful, watchful and prayerful prior to a commitment will help put couples on a positive trajectory considering the few points mentioned. The choice is always ours, choose wisely. Feast on these points and look for more ways that do not make for a health, happy and hearty relationship.

Doc’s Musings,

Dr. Dee

Money Matters

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Fighting due to financial challenges is all too common in many marriages! Fighting or disagreements about money is normal in most marriages or relationships.  However, excessive fighting about money can lead to tremendous strain, tension, abuse and/or divorce. It’s not just about a lack of finances, but the lack of compatibility in the money arena.

We all know the old adage that “opposites attract”, but when two people have opposite and opposing views about money, divorce can occur.  Imagine for a moment a couple where one spends money all the time, and the other wants to save for the future. Or one person is very generous, and the other is a miser. One has no problem using credit cards, and the other believes in saving up for an item.  These differing ideas can cause tremendous problems in a relationship if there is no amicable solution.

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Unfortunately, many couples do not discuss financial matters thoroughly before getting married, or they get married and think they can change the other person, or that LOVE will take care of it. Phooey! Love is the main and sustaining reason, and I believe people should be in-love, devoted and committed to each upon entering into a covenant agreement. However, money matters should be discussed prior to the marriage with complete transparency, so each person knows exactly each other’s spending habits and beliefs about financial management. Here are a few tips to discuss before marriage:

  • Discuss if both partners are going to work. If debt is involved decide how you are going to pay off debts.  Ideally, live on one income (mortgage/rent, utilities, food, gas, clothing) and use the other income for savings, investments, vacations, education, etc.
  • Make sure you have emergency cash funds. Dave Ramsey suggest $1,000.00 cash for emergencies. I think this is a good start, but ideally you should have 3 – 6 months living expenses available for emergencies, and quickly replace any used funds. There should be no limit to emergency funds.
  • Decide on how you are going to give, save and invest your money as a couple. Seek counsel from a reputable financial company, pastor, rabbi or counselor to help you make decisions and plan for short and long range financial goals.
  • Create a reasonable monthly budget which includes spending money for each partner and leisure.
  • Decide who is going to pay the bills each month or will paying the bills be a joint effort? I suggest reviewing your budget/finances each month together and celebrate financial victories, like paying off a bill, or saving enough money for a vacation. If a financial goal is not met, calmly discuss what went wrong and how to make improvements. Be accountable to each other and your goals.
  • Attack the money issue and not each other. Remember, if an argument should develop, tackle the problem of excessive spending, high debt, etc., and try not to belittle and curse each other.
  • Seek counseling if you are unable to settle your money woes together. Often times the extremely generous or conversely, the miser has issues related to childhood in regards to money. A trained professional might help you discover any root issues that are hindering successful financial goals.  Discovery is vital in order to live a balanced life.

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I believe if two people truly love each other, any money woes can be handled through commitment, understanding, communication, hard work and sacrifice.  After all, it is just money, and though a major part of one’s commitment, it is just a part!  Imagine yourself without your spouse. Is that the choice you would prefer, because you cannot resolve your financial issues?  Marital issues over finances can be resolved and you can live a happy life together, if you are willing to work together as ONE to resolve financial woes. The choice is always ours. 

Just Musing,

Dr. Dee

Holiday Discovery

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Recently, I watched one of my favorite movies, The Holiday. This movie is about two women from different parts of the world whose relationships have gone awry. In an effort to get over their lovers, they switched houses and their new journeys began.  Iris, one of the main characters was in love and involved with her co-worker for over three years.  Though their relationship had endured many twists and turns, she never expected the surprised announcement at the company Christmas Party.  Her beau got engaged to another woman on staff!  Talk about a shocker!  Needless to say, Iris was devastated. Her heartbreak led her to accept the offer of Amanda (the other main character) whose live-in male friend had an affair with his co-worker. Both women, victims of cheating male counter-parts embarked on a healing journey.

Iris finally realized during her new adventure that her addictive love towards her co-worker was pathetic, tragic and unproductive.  Her beau (Jasper) refused to love her and he used Iris for his sexual self-interest and his career advancements.  Iris blinded by her love for Jasper failed to see the role she played in her own heartbreak, until after her holiday quest. In the end, she realized through her new friendships and self-discovery that she had been the best friend with benefits, instead of the leading lady.

This movie reminded me of myself and the mistakes I have made in relationships.  Often times I believe we (many of us) see what we want to see, and fail to see or accept the reality of toxic relationships.  Like Iris, I have been in-love with a man who failed or would not love me back. And, rather than move on, somehow like Iris, I justified hanging in there to my own detriment.  My experiences have taught me valuable lessons I can now pass on to anyone with an ear to hear.

The most powerful line in the movie suggested that she was playing the role of a best friend when really she was or should have been the leading lady.  This rang so true, because I believe sometimes, we as women think we are the leading lady in the romance of our life, when in fact the opposite is true.  In your beau’s mind you may just be a friend, at the most, a best friend, but simply a friend.  If a man only wants sex in private, but fails to recognize you in public, awake O’sleeper and flee! (Read: Steve Harvey’s book – Think like a Man and Act like a Lady).  Wow, so how can we move from a pathetic relationship?

First and foremost, it is always about loving self, if you do not believe in the Creator.  Otherwise, after your committed love for Him, then we are to love ourselves.  How can we love ourselves and then another, if we do not love G-d and understand respect and honor?  Knowing one’s desires based on spiritual principles, hopes, desires, and goals are the beginning steps to knowing your worth and then conducting yourself accordingly.  To compromise yourself or settle for something that is contrary to your basic core is a disaster waiting to happen.  Love yourself enough to be willing to let go of a toxic relationship. Love yourself enough to know you are worthy to have a relationship with someone who will love, honor and respect you back.

love quoteSo often, I hear women say there are no good men out there, or no one will love them, or all the good men are gone, or I’m not pretty, smart, skinny, whatever enough. Stop it! You are all you believe you are, and if you are thinking negatively about yourself you will draw a negative no-good man in your life.  Many men treat women exactly the way they allow them to be treated. Many people in general treat people in ways that we allow.  If we want respect, we have to give and demand respect back.  If we want to be the leading lady in our beau’s life, we have to be the leading lady and not accept anything less.

We need and desire friends – at least I do! I enjoy the company of both men and women friends.  Life without people I can enjoy and confide in outside of my family would be miserable.  However, being the first and leading lady in a relationship which could lead to a commitment/marriage is a different matter, and should not be confused by a best friend with benefits affair.

Proverbs 31:10-31 spells out the ideal leading lady. The woman in this biblical verse is far beyond that of pearls and is extremely capable, intelligent and industrious.  She understands her self-worth, and she is honored and adored by her husband and children.  She manages her business affairs, her household and enjoys her days.  She demands respect, because she exemplifies a woman of character, love and spirituality.  She is a super woman!

So what is my point? We ought not to underestimate ourselves and give away our dignity and love to a man who is unworthy of our love, because he refuses to love us back.  We should be mindful of being a wife to a man who only wants to gratify his selfish needs.  Instead, expect the man of your dreams to honor you as the leading lady and treat you as such.  Expect love and commitment and do not settle for someone who has baggage from his previous relationship(s) or other life challenges.  Do what is required to free yourself from a toxic relationship or toxic thinking.

What is toxic thinking? Toxic thinking is steeped in negative affirmations about yourself, your situation, life in general, and the belief that nothing good will EVER happen to you.  Therefore, you feel compelled to take whatever you can get.  Toxic thinking and behavior allows us to blindly go along with the flow of a bad relationship until something shocking wakes us from our slumber.  Toxic thinking like so many others things is a choice.  Choose to believe the best for yourself and have faith that good things and/or a great relationship is for you.  Great relationships happen in real life too, not just the movies.

Great relationships begin with being what your desire. Work on loving and respecting yourself as the awesome woman G-d has designed, and then expect the highest form of good in your life. Holiday Discovery is letting go of the negative and embracing the positive experiences of the present. So, what will you choose and what actions will you take? 

 

Just Musing!

Dr. Dee

Interested in learning more about ridding yourself of toxic thinking? Let me recommend, Dr. Caroline’s Leaf book: Switch On Your Brain. I would love to hear your thoughts on this book.